Poncy Bonkers


It was BAFTA night 2014! So I slapped on some sparkly eyeliner , popped a cocktail umbrella into my Ovaltine and settled down for a night with the stars.

I was yearning glitz and glamour but instead got Stephen Fry who is looking very much like a bloodhound these days. He spoke mostly in words of 5 syllables or more – and none of them were interesting or amusing.

I yawned a lot,and not because it was bedtime. Seeing Lupita Nyong in that divine green dress was the only moment when I wished I was a movie star. The rest of the actress pack looked like they’d shopped at the Debenhams Blue Cross Sale event.

Angelina Jolie couldn’t even be assed to climb into a dress. She went for vampire make up and a louche dress suit finished off with an ‘I am soooo bored’ expression. Cate Blanchett, also in black,  exuded smug.

Oprah Winfrey looked like a balloon that was ready to pop in a Stella McCartney frock. Sartorial style  note to Stella.. ….one must measure one’s  client’s bosoms before trying to stuff them into a lace bodice.

Helen Mirren was so far up herself I am amazed they found her in time to present her with her lifetime achievement award.  Poncy Bonkers is my summation of her acceptance speech.

And has anyone ever told Emma Thompson to ‘calm down, dear’ before she launches into her hop, skip, jump routine at every televised red carpet event?  That woman needs to make friends with 2mcg of Diazepam before getting into the cab on a big night out. No wonder Greg Wise looks so exhausted.

The most fun I had was betting on the getting high stakes. I am talking hair. Helen McCory romped home with a Pompidou-do, closely followed by Oprah, Fearne Cotton,  the previously named and shamed Emma Thompson  and Noel Gallagher.

For  The  British Assortment of Frumpy Tired-looking  Actors  I have a message from a super fan – do better in 2015.






1 comment to Poncy Bonkers

  • Glenda Willis

    I’m afraid that I got so fed up with Stephen Fry that I got bored and did not take anything in. I didn’t even get past the first two awards. Sorry!!