Hit Man

Frozen basil, raspberries, carrots, olives with chilli, a pack of pentel pens, smoked cheese with bits of ham in it and stool softeners. That’s what I  unpacked from my basket and put on the conveyor belt yesterday in Sainsburys. Oh, and the woman on the till had such enormous long breasts that they were down there with my shopping, too.

“My My , what interesting shopping you have” came a deep,  posh voice from behind me in the queue. He was a Howard Keel lookie-likey and I decided he couldn’t be dangerously bonkers because he  was wearing shoes and socks – plus his flies were fully zipped. Yes, those are the qualities I check for first in a man.

He went all husky and said, “May I come home with you so we can enjoy them together?” . My eyes were drawn to the stool softeners, he was gazing at my raspberries.

The woman on the till winked at me and said “OOOooooo!” This could have meant she thought he was dishy and urbane. Or it could have been amazement that I can still lure ’em in at my advanced age without make-up and with a hairdo like a collie dog’s bum surround.

“I have interesting shopping because my husband and four kids all have different preferences.”  I thought this was a gentle enough rebuff. He clearly admired my animal magnetism so I had to be kind didn’t I ?

He was a smooth, and fast,  operator. He turned to the woman behind him in line. She was wearing two pairs of glasses and had a zimmer frame with a wire shopping basket resting on top of it. He peeked into it and said, ” Mmmmm, marshmallows, my favourite…..May I come home with you and help you to toast them?” 

“OOOoooooooo!” said the woman behind the till again, dragging back her breasts which had travelled along to the bagging section. Her eyebrows were working overtime.  I packed my shopping feeling like a woman spurned.

10 comments to Hit Man

  • Julie Pereira

    I din’t even know there was such a thing as “stool softeners”!! Are they like mini hammers and you bash your stools to make them soft and squidy?

  • Julie,
    They are tablets that ensure it’s not just the loo paper that’s double velvet….
    Anna May x

  • Roisin

    Your above comment just made me get sick in the library.

  • Jan

    VERY funny, VERY disgusting oh and by the way, just out of interest of course – which Sainsbury’s was it?

  • Anna May

    Roisin – so sorry. Did you need a sick softener ?

    Jan – Kenton Road, see you there !

    Anna May x

  • Diddy

    Frozen basil ? Why not grow your own ?

  • Very disturbing reading! Think back carefully Anna-May—– wasn’t he the man shackled to the two men in the proverbial white coat? Please don’t talk to STRANGERS. By the way, you should let that woman at the cashout know about the wonderful lingerie shop you now frequent.

  • Anna May

    I detect a note of envy in your comment. Are you perhaps a Howard Keel fan ?
    Anna May x

  • Oh my God, so funny. Like me, you are a weirdo magnet. They sit beside me at train stations. In cafés. On buses. Sometimes they pet my hair. One told me I looked ‘nice, like a nurse’. Eek!

  • Nuala – did yours look like Howard Keel ? – We might be SHARING an anglo-irish weirdo !
    Anna May x