The main actor in the show, Tom Hollander, had fallen over a piece of furniture on stage the night before and broken his elbow so an understudy  played his (two) parts. It’s a stooopid story that the cast played out like they wanted to get home early, with jazz hands, bumping bosoms and a lot of incomprehensible  speed shouting. The ice cream in the interval (even though it cost £3 for a tiny one swallow pot) was the best thing about the entire evening.

The funniest part of the night wasn’t my husband doing a starfish impression on the ice, it was when the mood changed in a moment from Christmas to Halloween because one of my sister’s front caps  dropped out. Daughter number three did a twirly point with her finger and said “Oh look! Your tooth’s gone crooked!” and then out it came, along with a blood curdling scream, to reveal an evil looking stump left behind. 

And let me tell you that no amount of Jaeger or Marks and Spencer can rescue you from looking like an old witch when you are missing a front tooth. Tooth in palm my sister called the NHS emergency dental healthline four times that night on December 30th - and ten days later they still haven’t got back to her.

I noticed  them, all white and bulgy, in the changing room at Marks and Spencer when I tried a dress on that may now have to become a top over trousers.  I’m wondering if Spanx do strangulation tights that might lift and flatten them.

I want apple knees.