Cheryl Cole – after the coitius vomitus interruptus incident  – when adulterous Ashley paused on the job to puke on the bedside rug before carrying on to score with another woman - why did Cheryl ever offer him a replay ?

Men in Tights – they are on sale in Selfridges and cost £70 – yes SEVENTY- pounds a pair and are the latest style statement for hip hop and happening men. Don’t  laugh, mantyhose could solve the problem of one missing sock forever. They come in three special butch shades: charcoal, black and beige to go with everything and are 120 denier – tough enough to play football in. If you think your hunk would be comfy in ‘mantyhose’ perhaps he could try out eyeliner for men, too. That’s called guyliner by the way if you want to ask for it in Superdrug.

I had my publicity pictures taken for my book last week. The photographer was lovely. He told me he had worked with Maya Angelou which made me weak at the knees with admiration and awe -  there isn’t a finer woman writer alive in my opinion. I was expecting him to remark on my similarity to Nicole Kidman and express amazement at my perfect lips (they really are, ask my family) but what he actually said, a lot, was “Stop talking!”

I can’t wait for April 1st to see what Londons’s freebie newspaper The Metro will come up with. It couldn’t be any finer than last week’s story about a four feet long rabbit called Ralph that weighs 42lb, more than the average three year old child.  Psychic  Derek Acorah believes rabbit Ralph is responsible for spooky goings-on in his owner’s house because the bunny is channelling the spirits of a ghoul. 

I say get Ralph some rabbit tights so he can be hip, hop and happening.