«
»

25 NovPutting the Boot In

5 Comments »

Sigh. I ordered some biker boots that I thought would make me look all Caitlin-Sienna-Moran-Miller-esque, give or take 30 years.

They arrived yesterday and after I broke a sweat pulling them on (they were far too fashionable to have a zip) I dashed into the kitchen to get compliments from my sister and daughter who were in there drinking tea and gossiping. Well not dash so much, those boots were heavy.

My daughter took a long look, “You need to accessorise those” she said, “With a hard hat.”  ”And a shovel?” added my sister.

Bye bye biker boots.

 

 

 

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life
Tag(s): , , , ,

20 NovWembulleeeee

6 Comments »

Strictly at Wembulleeeee was certainly different.

It started off with some Savage strutting from Robbie, and Ola got her bumcrack out as a special treat but it was wasted in such a vast arena.

Can Russell get away with wrist dancing for much longer?  And  has he stolen Michael Ball’s hair? Being ‘fired’ at the start of last night’s show could be prophetic……

Anita’s gorgeous but she’s got feeble feet.

Is Holly’s dancing  sponsored by diazepam? It’s got everything but zest.

Jason was almost jolly,even when he went off jive.

And had the wardrobe department left their button box at the BBC Shepherd’s Bush? There was a lot of barechested chic going on.

I liked the lining of Tess’s Dress, but where was the rest of it? And who sat on Alesha’s hair?

 

 

 

 

 

Category(s): TV critic
Tag(s): ,

20 NovSpecial

2 Comments »

My daughter is going to meet her boyfriend’s parents for the first time today.

There had better be a lot of high fiving, can-canning, Hallelujah-ing and woo-hooing going on when they are introduced to her……..

I’m not biased. She’s special.

Category(s): Family life

16 NovI Heart Eldika

3 Comments »

I have had a cleaner for the last four weeks. Her name is Eldika. She is a present from my son, who has been temporarily between flats and staying with us - but when he leaves next weekend he  will be taking her along with him. It’s a bit of a pity my son is leaving…… but it’s a crying shame that Eldika has got to go, too.

I am distraught. She was never mine to keep but in four short weeks I have come to love this woman with a passion. She cleans my light switches and the four corners (up and down) of my porch. She ungunks our electric toothbrushes where the head fits the body. She hoovers the shoulders of the clothes hanging in our wardrobes and makes a little origami arrow head from the dangly sheet of loo paper.

My husband is also distraught. But for different reasons. He thinks he is married to  a class traitor for revelling in another woman  doing ‘my’ (he means ‘our’) menial work. By loving Eldika so very much I am apparently being unfaithful to my feminist and socialist principles. Of course there has been no mention of the fact that I have been doing  housework highly unpaid for three decades. The last time he was this upset when when he found my secret stash of cleaning wipes. Wipes are the root of all evil dontchaknow?

Eldika is certainly  the Goddess of Mops and Buckets, but at times treats my housework with the same contempt as I do. She wastes a lot of time photographing  our dog with her mobile, watches  £10 worth of QVC as she plumps cushions in slow motion for the best part of an hour,  and her rider is two packets of what she calls ‘King Charlie biscuits’  per visit. Duchy Originals she means.

And I take it as a huge compliment that she loves my new Bobbi Brown lipstick and Prada Infusion D’Iris perfume so much that she never leaves my house without  a generous application of both.

But I can forgive her anything because she drags out the fluff from beneath the radiators and smiles as she’s doing it. That’s special.

Is it really better to have loved and lost?

 

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life, Family life
Tag(s): , , ,

14 NovStrictly Sleepy

6 Comments »

It’s 2am and because I was away from civilisation this weekend I have have only now watched Strictly through eyes that were sliding shut with exhaustion.

There was a shot of Robin lifting Anita at the end of their dance that looked exactly like he was putting her on a commode.

I thought Alex Jones was jiving with Paul Daniels until I realised it was a rag doll.

Jason Donovan dances like he is being held to ransom to dance and if he  doesn’t do it someone will microwave his puppy – lighten up. Think Priscilla.

Robbie Savage is reception class cute the way he tries so hard. I vote he puts his hair in bunches for next week.

Audley’s Cha Cha Cha was hahaha -  the bloke was even smiling out of time.

Russell danced to I Ham What I Ham dressed in gold wrapping paper.

And this has nothing at all to do with Strictly - but my friend texted it to me while I was watching the show and it made me laugh:

Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: A Chinese telephone.
 

 

 

 

Category(s): TV critic
Tag(s): , , , ,

09 NovLosing It

7 Comments »

 

Last night I accompanied my husband to an awards event – he had been nominated for a prize and did not win. I am a bad corporate wife because:

a) I have a maniacal competitive streak and  was not in the least happy for the winner, although I pretended very well to be, of course. As I applauded I was in fact imagining how much fun it would be to dismember him. No, no,  too extreme -it was a local not national award- so downgrade that to running him over. Twice.

b) I have special needs when it comes to small talk. A crystal paperweight, one that all present agreed  looked just like a doorknob, was presented to everyone who won an award. After the ceremony we were milling around and I was introduced to a lucky winner.   He was a suited and bespectacled elderly man holding a very fancy sateen box that contained his piece of crystal. A small gap in the conversation occurred and I felt obliged to leap in and fill it. WHY do I do that?

I pointed at his box and said, ”Oh please, do show me your knob?”

 

Category(s): Everyday life
Tag(s): ,

07 NovStrictly Mash Up

8 Comments »

Nobody should have put Baby in Strictly’s judging panel.  Jennifer Grey’s marks were preposterously high and she hollered them out each time. I know she was speaking a different language – Hollywood – but still,  there was no need to shout.

So Lulu is a goner but because she can’t seem to remember anything, especially her dance steps, she will probably turn up for next week’s show anyway.

Jason’s Rumba was a Slumba.

Robbie’s Waltz was a rise and fall study in constipation.

Russell’s Polka-Paso was his audition for panto 2012, and  I predict guylashes will be joining Russell’s guyliner sometime soon.

Last week’s loser Nancy DeWobblio  is threatening to sue Alesha for her critical judging comments. I’m hoping Professor Henry Higgins QC will be prosecuting Alesha, not for what she said about Nancy looking like a navvy but for her weekly flagrant abuse of the English language when she blurts to one or more contestants,  ”You was amazing!”

And my brain is so telly mashed I am convinced that The Magnificent Dave Arch is a direct descendant of Anna and Bates from Downton Abbey, there’s a strong family similarity there don’t you think?

And I have advice for Kitty on the X Factor (yes  it’s been a telly heavy weekend) STOP singing in your knickers if you want more votes.

 

 

Category(s): TV critic
Tag(s): , ,

31 OctSweet as Pumpkin Pie?

9 Comments »

I’ve had three Trick or Treating knocks at the door tonight.

The first was a seventy year old man saying that if I didn’t give him a can of beer he would pee in my porch.

The second was two Vicki Pollards (sixth formers I reckon) who were fully  face loaded with neon makeup and wearing hot pants, tight t shirts and push up ( and out and in your face) bras. They demanded bacardi breezers but said they’d settle for Doritos. I asked them what their trick was but they were distracted when a gust of wind  roughed up their hair extensions and they ran off screeching.

The third was five guys , all with stubble and broken voices. They requested fireworks and when I told them I had none one replied in a billy goat gruff voice, “I ain’t being funny or nuffink…. but you better have.” We stared one another out for a few moments and, in the end, each took a  satsuma and said thank you nicely.

I blame the parents for dressing them up as pumpkins when they were babies.

 

Category(s): Everyday life
Tag(s): , ,

31 OctStrictly Spooky and Stilton

7 Comments »

Alesha was wrapped in a blanket on last night’s Strictly  – I just hope it’s a travel blanket and that she is going far, far away very soon.  She’s devaluing a 10 score so frequently I think the producers should introduce a 10* for the remainder of this series.

Russell danced first this week and the cutesy spell has finally worn off for me. He’s starting to look like a one trick carthorse.

If a double wardrobe could dance it would be known as Audley Harrison.

Nancy Noknickers was  doomed from her first hip waggle  - she owes me 15p for last week’s vote and her demise to Anton who has been far too willing to help her make a fool of herself. Shame on him.

When Doris Savage did the cloak waving part of the Paso Doble  he reminded me that I needed  to change my duvet cover. Last week he crashed his nose into the TV camera so this week he took extra care and cupped his extremities to prevent breakages. Cue Craig luvvin it.

Anita was dreary and Chelsee teary and Lulu wafted about in a maternity dress looking not at all bewitched but definitely bewildered.

And I hope how very dare she Princess Beatrice applied on-line months ago for her seat in the Strictly  audience. Seeing her sat there when I have never,ever managed to get a ticket made me so envious it put me right off my stilton with apricots and crackers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Category(s): TV critic
Tag(s): , , , , , ,

25 OctPinkies,Vegetable Balls and Forefathers

6 Comments »

I think I must be proper posh. I put my hand into my top oven yesterday to retrieve an M&S vegetable ball I was heating up for lunch and I crooked up my little finger as I did so. You know, the way they do it in Downton Abbey when they are taking tea?

My nail made contact with the oven’s heating element, there was a sizzling sound and enough smoke to actually set off the fire alarm.  And now I have a tiny brown hole seared into the centre of my pinkie fingernail.

I ’phoned my husband, who is currently sleeping rough on a beach in Ireland to connect with his forefathers, to tell him that I had set fire to my fingernail and get a bit of sympathy. “Was the dog OK?” was his loaded with concern reply.

 

 

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life
Tag(s): , , ,
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »