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03 FebDon’t Count Your Chickens

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I got involved in chicken wars last night.

As a vegetarian chicken-slut I prefer to buy them ready cooked for my carnivore family. Last night in Costco I was at the head of a queue of sixteen people for the last sixteen chickens of the day that were still roasting. I waited 20 minutes for my tender, tasty, (so I’m told)  bird.

When they were cooked the staff member boxed them and started sliding the chickens along the counter. I assumed the etiquette would be one chicken per queuer – all very British and with no opportunity for fowl play.

An elderly Chinese lady appeared from nowhere and shouted something that sounded like “HeeeeHaaaaa!” She bowled through us to the front of the line, seized three boxes and dashed off.

When our collective amazement wore off (2 seconds later) as one the entire sixteen strong queue surged forward to do battle for the remaining thirteen chickens.

Vegetarians eat a lot of legumes, we are strong, and I am pleased but not surprised to announce that I managed to secure a hot chicken.

When I met up with my husband at the tills – he was easy to recognise because he was the one in the Ugg Boot hat and shorts – I told him what I had been through to acquire my £2.99 chicken. He immediately seized it from the trolley, held it high and shouted, “Anyone want a hot bird for a fiver?”

There were no takers. Should I be offended?

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life
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25 JanMasterMoans

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I’d never seen Masterchef until this week and now I’m hungggrrrry for it.

I fast forward through all the cooking and crying and crises to the tasting bit when Greg Wallace (he’s got a head that looks like it’s been peeled) and John Torrode put a food loaded fork into their exceptionally large gobs and, without any inhibitions, make the sort of noises men usually only make with their trousers down.

 

 

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life, TV critic
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25 JanGym-uary

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I have an induction at a gym next week. Well it is Gym-uary so I thought I’d give it a go.

Today I got a call from the receptionist to check  that I planned to turn up. She told me to come ready and dressed to do exercise. She didn’t wait for me to answer before saying, “Nice loose top, nice loose trousers and some nice comfy trainers. Lovely!”

I was slightly flabberdegasted – what did she think I was planning to wear? A ballgown?

 

 

 

Category(s): Uncategorized

24 JanPINS in My Eyes – Not

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My PIN number is a secret. Even from me.

My bank has responded to my request for a PIN number three times in a row.  I’ve followed their instructions in the envelope with precision.  I get my implements ready to scratch and expose the number -  a rubber, a coin, a flat surface.

After I failed to crack the PIN code the first two times I created laboratory conditions in my kitchen to be certain to reveal the number on my third try. No dust, no dog, no radio no cooking vapours or steam. But after I scratched the little panel I still could not read the bleedin’ soddin’ number.

I know it’s against every principle of PIN numbering but in desperation I took the letter to my neighbour to see if she could read it. I asked the postman who delievered the damn letter if he could decipher the number and when they both admitted defeat I even drove to my sister who has recently had laser eye surgery to test whether  her new improved £5,000 eyes could crack the code, but she couldn’t. I called the bank and number four is on it’s way to test my sanity.

I need a psychic not a rubber and a coin before I can enjoy a hole in the wall visit again.

 

 

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life
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22 JanThe Naughty Bench

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I realised I had left my purse at home after the cashier had totalled my trolley load of shopping last night. I summoned the cavalry (my husband on his pushbike bearing my debit card) and promised her I would pay in 15 minutes.

Satisfied but not at all smiley she used her thumb to direct me to a bench by the tills. There were two other people sat on it already. When I joined them the man nearest said ” Coppers coming for you an’all?” “No! I forgot my purse” I informed him. Thinking back I said it in a very Sunday School voice. The woman sat on the far end was using her stomach to keep her knees warm , cackled “Good one, that. You want me to keep him busy  so you can run out? I do a real good faint.”

‘Him’ was a seven foot tall   bald guard who looked like he’d varnished the top of his pointy head,  and was obviously on naughty bench duty. Just his stare made me want to confess to something I hadn’t done.

I declined her kind offer and then she asked could I maybe faint for her instead?

By the time my husband arrived the three people on the bench didn’t even notice me leaving. They were busy bragging about the largest stuff they had ever got away with nicking. A rose bush, 2 tins of Celebrations and a catering size pizza were apparently among their recent hauls.

The security guard frowned at me as I walked by and I felt compelled to confess that I’d nicked a rubber from Woolworths in 1968, but swore I’d gone straight since then.

 

 

Category(s): Everyday life, Uncategorized
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16 JanScared and Shoes and Globes

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It’s 2am and I  can’t sleep because I am still freaked after reading Michelle Paver’s petrifyingly pee-inducing book ‘Dark Matter’ –  but tonight it doesn’t ‘matter’ all because the Golden Globes are on TV……. and they have a STILETTO CAM on the red carpet!!! Yes they bloody well do! Wake up all of you and come see!

It’s a genius invention – a world famous celebrity places her foot onto the outline of a footprint on the red carpet which is actually a camera…………… and delivers a 360 degree look at her shoes.

I am so excited I have just channelled Belinda Carlisle and sang ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’ to myself and my pom pom slippers.

Category(s): Everyday life
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16 JanNasty Nick on Countdown

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The best new horror show of  2012 is Countdown, now compered by Nick Hewer of The Apprentice.

He is frequently lost for words – on Countdown! – and his pet get out of trouble phrases are  “Gooooooood” and “Very gooooooooood.”  His embarrassment is bad for my rosacea, I am suffering along with him every afternoon.

But Nick has a sneery demeanour that stops me feeling too sorry for him. It’s killing the charm of the dinky afternoon show stone dead.  Countdown contestants are playing the game  for a teapot prize and are entitled to a lot of neck nuzzling and  tummy raspberries from the host. And they ain’t getting any Nick love.

In his first couple of days, round by round throughout the game, he was barking “Step back from the clock!” at the sweet and pretty  Rachel. She’s the bargain sum-head who took over from Carol Vorderman and I reckon she has cried a lot in the fortnight since Nick started work on the programme.

His worst offence is that when a round is over and the contestants declare how many letters are in their words  Nick repeats it with disdain.  Think Lady Bracknell with balls -   he does an exceptionally cutting “FIVE?”

How Nasty Nick landed the job as Countdown compere is a conudrum, and I will be expecting a teapot for my two “FIVE?” letter words, “You’re fired!”

 

Category(s): Everyday life, TV critic
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11 JanHappy New Hat!

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This Christmas my three daughters got new Uggs. Those boots were made for flying – they came to London from Australia via Boston USA. This is  because my son, who is a frequent traveller there for business, bought them for £120 per pair less than they cost here. What an Ugging rip off for UK dead sheep on the feet devotees.

On Boxing Day my husband gathered up the girls’ smelly and stained Ugg cast offs from last year,  and dashed into his garage. He keeps a sewing box in there busting with beer bottle tops, magnets, wire wool and needles the size and shape of  bananas.

Several hours later he emerged wearing what looked like a camel’s labia on his head. Only it has funky buttons on one half. He had cut up the boots and fashioned himself the Uggliest hat I have ever seen.

He has been wearing his furry fanny hat when walking the dog and thinks he has a) saved money, and b) made himself look like a handsome trapper. He swears he is attracting  admiring glances.

AND now he is eyeing my Birkenstocks and wondering if he could  maybe make himslef a natty cork visor for the summer months…..

 

Category(s): Family life
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19 DecHappy,Happy, Happy!

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I am so excited with my special Christmas present from my daughters. It is a work of art,  a thing of beauty and totally original. It has an unequalled sense of proportion and balance.  In my expert opinion my present is priceless.

My gift? An airing cupboard blitz: the girls  hoovered it out, then ironed all the sheets, duvets and pillowcases before putting them back in size order. Bath towels got refolded and rearranged - darkest colours at the bottom, lightest on top. Hand and face towels were stacked in a jaunty separate pile close by.

I feel like a new woman. It’s as though they’ve tidied my brain. It has made me ridiculously happy.

So I share with you all my airing cupboard good tidyings,  and I hope everything jingles beautifully for you this Christmas. And may 2012 bring you the best of all things.

X

 

Category(s): Everyday life
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19 DecWitter and Glitter

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My favourite part of the Strictlyganza final was the group dance. Who knew that Dan Lobb and Rory Bremner had been contestants this year? Edwina hefted on to the floor wearing a dress that was pure Queen Mother and facial expressions that were totally porn star, and Anita emoted all over the place all over again.

Coffin hag Nancy confirmed that she has wide apart knees that would have been so  perfect for the Charleston - had she got far enough into the competition to dance it.

Tess dolled up in a half frock, half shower curtain dress  and Alesha’s number was a Brillo Pads exclusive design.

No surprises on the night: Jason should change his name to Earnest, The Only Way is Chelsee came a worthy second and Harry McFlew through the competiton as the bookie’s certain winner from  week one.

This series I ate a lot of cheese, saw a lot of cheese and loved every minute of it.

Only 300 and something sleeps until next year’s Strictly……….

Category(s): TV critic
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