16 MarSnotting Hill

I think I must be the opposite of agraphobic because I was out again last night. This time at a very hard to categorise event called     5 X 15,  held monthly at the Tabernacle in Notting Hill Gate.

Blame Rosie Boycott. It was her idea to get 5 people to talk an a subject they are passionate about for 15 minutes in front of a paying audience  of rich and influential  people, most of them with a W11 postcode,  who can listen whilst drinking wine  and striking  a pose. A Snotting Hill night out.

Last night Deborah Moggach opened proceedings. She is the author of Tulip Fever, one of my all time favourite books, and  talked about her mother the murderer.  Miss Moggach did well. She was like a heavily sedated Jilly Cooper, and her story was fun.

Deborah was followed by Tristram Stuart a dishy freegan and pig farmer who eats from skips and waste bins, and William Sieghart talking about the Palsetian/Israeli conflict. 

During the interval journalist Lynn Barber  tripped over my feet so eager was she to get out for a fag and a glass of wine, and everyone who stayed in the room had a neck that spun 360 degrees, like the girl in The Exorcist, so they could network but still manage to see who else might be there and looking at them.

The second half kicked off with  performance poet Laura Dockrill - who would have been booed off stage in a less classy venue.  She did 15 jumbled minutes of  what can be best described as  ’Look at Me!’ 

 Ex Roxy Music band member Brian Eno spoke about I don’t remember what because I tuned out after 15 seconds. That man could make millions if he taped his voice and sold recordings of it to insomniacs desperate for sleep

John Mitchinson from the TV programme QI closed the night with a talk about life and death matters  and was  hugely entertaining.  Then there was jazz, and a £10 a head buffet that smelt so good it made my mouth all juicy as I passed by even though I didn’t stay to eat.

So,  it was a quaff, mingle, quaff, listen and quaff night that was wall to wall with movers , shakers and posers. My husband pointed out that he was probably the only person there who had played football in that very room in it’s previous incarnation as a youth club that served the local council estate.

It was £12 for a ticket and worth it to get a look at the handbags,  the shoes,  the cute beaded cardis, Oh - and to listen to interesting ideas  kind of night out.

15 MarDolly the Sheep and Woopert

I went to a free talk last week arranged by the BBC Writers’ Room about how to write for television drama series including Eastenders, Holby City, Casualty and Doctors. There were at least very keen 200 people there, all straining forward in their seats. 

 Queuing to get into the hall I had a Dolly the Sheep moment, because it was striking how all the aspiring writers looked the same. It was a facial hair free gathering, the twenty-somethings were all too young to shave, no stubble on the men or hormonal face whiskers on the women. But I ably compensated in that department. Make that over compensated.

And I wondered if everyone but me  had traded their tickets for a bag of BBC issue clothing at the door: a dark coat, inca inspired woolly hat worn at a jaunty angle, crepe soled boots and leather satchel seemed compulsory -  it was like a meeting of the Boden catalogue fan club . 

The BBC panel of experts enthused about their jobs and agreed that ’real’ people are the best script writers.  They illustrated this point using Tony Jordan, one of the UK’s best known TV writers - he began his working life as a market trader. 

At this point the baby faced chap who was sitting next to me got very excited.   Earlier  he had introduced himself as Rupert – he had a lisp and actually said Woopert – but I knew what he meant. “That’s good news, I’m a market twader, too”  he whispered. “Oh, which one?” I asked. Woopert was stymied by  my question so I tried to help hi out with ”Portobello? Camden?” 

Woopert adjusted his aztec print hat - which had slipped sideways slightly and was looking unjaunty - and said, “Stock, sweetie.” 

08 MarStars and Stripey Pyjamas

Overall I declare it dull this year – but not dull enough to duvet dive any time before dawn. I watched the lot and passed my husband on the stairs at six o clock this morning when he was on his way down and off to work. My job, watching the 2010 Oscars, was done.   According to him staying up all night to watch celebrity trash tv  is a sure sign of mental illness. But what does he know ? The man wouldn’t recognise Meryl Streep if she sat on his lap.

Where were Brangelina? And Tom and Katie? And Nicole and Keith? There was a lot of sparkle missing. I felt that I made the effort, I wore a diamonique brooch on my stripey pyjamas, so why couldn’t they be there?

‘Nood’ was the dress shade trend. Or nude if you are British, which was rood if you’d  been waiting up all night for some astonishing splashes of colour.

Sarah Jessica Parker was wearing a sex game inspired dress that had a strangely placed strap around her throat and was just an orange and a plastic bag away from, well,   I don’t know but I’ve read about it…..

J Lo seemed to have an occasional table hidden under the left hand side of her oddity  dress. She could do a cover of Jake the Peg wearing it as there was plently of room for a third leg under there.. 

Melanie Griffiths had snipped a couple of stitches on top of her head so she could smile with her  (sponsored by Walls Sausages) plastic fantastic lips. 

Someone needs to tell Colin Firth that  John Frieda  Frizz-Ease is currently 3 for 2 at Superdrug. And why does he have teeth the colour of daffodils?

Claudia Winkleman chatted with her panel of experts in the Sky Studios in London. One was David Baddiel who mostly answered her inane questions with, “I can’t say, I haven’t seen the film.” And Ronnie Ancona was too fascinated by what she looked like on the studio monitors to discuss anything sensibly. She was horribly self conscious and tried hard, for five whole hours,  to be a glammapuss but didn’t get anywhere near.

Gorgeous George was there in the front row with his girlfriend. She was a bit proprietorial for my liking. It was the way she sat next to him I objected to.

I’m resting up from today in preparation for 2011.

07 MarHiawatha Hosiery

I thought ’Mantyhose’  -  tights for men – were extreme.

But how about these from Wolford ? http://www.wolford-partnerboutique-w1-london.com/item.asp?pid=1217  Fringed tights at £199 a pair. If you can’t afford them but yearn to be on trend my tip is to wear cheap fishnets and don’t shave your legs until your below the knee, ahem, ‘fringing’  has grown to the required length.  

Wolford say these tights are 1920’s inspired,  but the photo makes me want to sharpen my tomahawk which I know is in my wigwam somewhere .

06 MarThe Grim Sleeper

Oscar is a five year old cat living in a Rhode Island nursing home who - FIFTY times in a row –  has slept on the bed of a resident who then dies a short time later. Staff are convinced that Oscar is  predicting who is next to pass away……

I’m no Miss Marple but I have a question ?  Are the staff  checking that Oscar isn’t sleeping at the top end of the bed across the  airways of the doomed residents ?

03 MarWorms and Dancing Alone

Today I have a big treat for the many lovely women I know who are single. It’s expert advice – from the writer Andrew Trees in his book ‘Decoding Love’ - about how to attract a partner.

Easy peasy – you have to get within ten feet of the man you fancy and stay put - for at least an hour - because  you need to smile broadly at him a minimum of 35 times in those 60 minutes. I’m guessing that if you spot Mr Right paying for petrol or in a supermarket and he wants to move on before the hour is up, well you’ll just have to learn to smile fast. My( not at all expert) advice would be to practice  speed smiling  in the mirror first to be sure your look is alluring and not loony-chic.

Tip number two from Mr Trees also involves getting within ten feet of the object of your desire, and then dancing alone to music.

 I tried this on my husband last night when he was watching Shed TV.  I made my own music by singing  The Birdy Song, a particular favourite of his, and he responded by asking me if I had wormed the dog.

28 FebWorth Knowing

Piers Morgan wrote last week that Susan Boyle has never asked how many CD’s she has sold or how much money she has made since graduating from Britain’s Got Talent into international superstardom.

I was one of many who loved her from the start, for  her voice yes,  but also the way she challenged people’s perceptions of what you had to look like and be like to be a successful singer.

 But having read Pier’s comments I’m not so sure I should be a fan any more.  Now that I know she’s ignorant of all the commercial benefits of her long awaited fame and fortune, then I don’t feel I should be enjoying her work.

It’s like watching dancing bears or elephants doing circus tricks - no matter how good their acts are and how well they are taken care of -  it’s not decent to watch if they are not in charge of their own skills.  

 I want Susan Boyle her to love her stacks of new money - to be shopping, saving for her future, sharing her cash with family and friends and doing anything at all she feels like with her hard earned fortune. But to think that she is working flat out but has never seen a bank statement, makes me feel like I’m somehow involved in her exploitation.

25 FebPat in a Hat

My husband and sister and I had a threesome theatre night out on Monday and went to see ‘The Dead School’ at the Tricyle Theatre. The production is  about everything:  education, life, love, religion, and it’’s poetic,  operatic, funny and mesmerising

For a change I have no complaints about my seat, or my neighbours or the cost because I would have sat through any discomforts just to be there. For £8 it was value plus, plus.

It’s a tricky and fast moving play with a few  political and religious references which, in the interval, the three of us sat in our seats and tried to work out. I  never go to a theatre bar in the break. I think it must be my  wino streak that stops me paying squillions for a glass of the red stuff when I know I can get a litre for the same amount or even less in the supermarket. I’m an under the flyover type drinker – no finesse at all.

So we three drank water and  bantered on about the first act.  I noticed  the man sat next to us  was listening closely whilst pretending to be deeply absorbed in his programme. He wouldn’t make eye contact with any of us, even when our discussions about the play became quite heated and we could have done with an extra viewpoint. At one point he seemed to be laughing at our ideas.

I was sat in bed applying face cream with one hand and holding  the play’s programme in the other (which is my ritual way to end up a night at the theatre) when in there I saw a photograph of the play’s writer, Patrick McCabe. He had been our silent neighbour, sitting there listen to us trying to figure out some of the meaning in his work.

I wish I had known the writer of the play was in our midst. My dad was a keen bingo player and before he set out he would always rub the head of someone if he believed they were somehow lucky because he was convinced that good fortune was transferable.

Patrick McCabe was wearing a hat on Monday night but I would have so loved to have lifted it up and given his scalp a good old rub just in case some of his supreme talent and good fortune might stick to me. I bet he would have found his voice if I had.

ps: Watch out for the actress Carrie Crowley who stole ‘The Dead School’, she’s a Greer Garson lookalike and a powerful stage presence.

23 FebCheryl, Mantyhose and Spooky Rabbits

I’m on the gallop today so here is a  four in one blog to catch up from last week….

Cheryl Cole – after the coitius vomitus interruptus incident  – when adulterous Ashley paused on the job to puke on the bedside rug before carrying on to score with another woman - why did Cheryl ever offer him a replay ?

Men in Tights – they are on sale in Selfridges and cost £70 – yes SEVENTY- pounds a pair and are the latest style statement for hip hop and happening men. Don’t  laugh, mantyhose could solve the problem of one missing sock forever. They come in three special butch shades: charcoal, black and beige to go with everything and are 120 denier – tough enough to play football in. If you think your hunk would be comfy in ‘mantyhose’ perhaps he could try out eyeliner for men, too. That’s called guyliner by the way if you want to ask for it in Superdrug.

I had my publicity pictures taken for my book last week. The photographer was lovely. He told me he had worked with Maya Angelou which made me weak at the knees with admiration and awe -  there isn’t a finer woman writer alive in my opinion. I was expecting him to remark on my similarity to Nicole Kidman and express amazement at my perfect lips (they really are, ask my family) but what he actually said, a lot, was “Stop talking!”

I can’t wait for April 1st to see what Londons’s freebie newspaper The Metro will come up with. It couldn’t be any finer than last week’s story about a four feet long rabbit called Ralph that weighs 42lb, more than the average three year old child.  Psychic  Derek Acorah believes rabbit Ralph is responsible for spooky goings-on in his owner’s house because the bunny is channelling the spirits of a ghoul. 

I say get Ralph some rabbit tights so he can be hip, hop and happening.

16 FebGrandparents – Treasures or Terrors?

My four children have perfect teeth, 4 x 32 = 128.

That’s 128 reasons to love my mum, their grandmother, right there. She would line the four of them up, or prop them against something if they were too young to stand, and count to one hundred all the time  eyeballing them to make sure teeth got brushed thoroughly top and bottom, inside and out. Then, when she reached one hundred she would start all over again and make them brush some more. The reason they needed to brush their teeth so thoroughly ? Nanny had a sweetie bag the size of a family suitcase that was never closed to  little hands.

On Radio 5 Live’s Tony Livesey’s programme last night I took part in a discussion about how grandparents are too soft and can make their grandchildren fat and indolent. Lots of callers and texters to the programme complained about grandparents being over indulgent.

 My children worshipped my mum and dad.  They shared a common enemy – me.  I was horrified that my dad allowed my children and their friends  climb trees and swing upside down from pencil thin branches on the walk home from school.  And they loved it when he got them to roll up a week’s supply of cigarettes using his tin of tobbaco and rizla red papers, especially the licking part.  I only found out about that when they wrote about fag making in their school diaries and the teacher showed me…..

My experience of grandparents is that they have a unique combination of patience and kindness that mums with jobs and menstrual cycles could never equal.

Last night I defended them to the end on radio because I believe they are national treasures. What’s your grandparent story?