My Irish mother gene makes me want to scream at Mariah Carey “Keep your chest warm!” Her dress has got to be on back to front, right ?

Nicole Kidman has taken to wearing vintage Austrian blinds in toilet roll colours to awards, but her husband Keith Urban looked very dishy and sober and adoring - so good for her.

Jeremy Irons is dry as dust and if there was a special award for being an up yourself ageing lothario it would be his in perpetuity. Ralph Fiennes can be his deputy.

The question I most want to be asked in the coming week is “Who are you wearing?”  I plan to reply ‘Robert Dyas’ or ‘William Hill’ because I have gleaned from the red carpet interviews that it’s not what you say but the WIGGLE that goes with the answer that counts.

He’s not hunky, but the little bloke is giving a very silly competition his all.  So I confess I momentarily forgot he looks like a  clog dancing corgi  and dialled the number.  I’m at the point in my cycle where my thinking is fuzzy wuzzy. Next week I may attack my TV with a sequinned mallet so I don’t have to watch Chris dancing. The menopause is never dull.

Dancy Bussell made a holy show of everyone else who has ever boogied on Strictly. I suspect that woman eats rubber bands for breakfast.

I’m sad that Ali couldn’t release her inner pole dancer and make it to the final. She’s the sort of girl who would have a kitten, a thermal vest and slippers with pom poms on her family crest. I bet she has mini pink gerbera daisies where her nipples should be.

I blame Natalie, his dance partner. She’s is  steamroller with sequins who’d trundle over anyone to win. Also, forget that she comes  from Australia - she’s not been on enough of a ‘journey’ - there can be no triumph without tears. Rules is rules.

There’s now a real danger that the dancing corgi and Ola might win – which proves what a dog rough series of Strictly this has been.

But sod. make that double sod,  Strictly – I’ve been to the theatre to see Priscilla Queen of the Desert and I loved it so much I considered hiding in the loos so I could go back in for the next performance. The razzle dazzle ‘em singing,  dancing and costumes made tonight’s  Strictly feel like Newsnight  by comparison.

I am going to bed now to dance and sing it all through again  in my head, and in tribute to the sensational cast  I will be wearing only  my  priscilla-pink feather boa.

Highlights from last night were Alesha suggesting that Chris should tape his mouth shut……….lead by example pleassssse.

Can deluded actors dance ? Discuss. Craig.

Ricky Groves has started to take himself seriously which is a shame especially when he danced last night like he was being followed around the dance floor by a swarm of bees on a go-slow.

I have knocked a red sequinned jumpsuit - with plunging neckline and cut away sides - off the list of outfits that I planned to buy for  a bit of Christmas partying.  Two reasons: I’d have to Immac my midriff and the lovely lithe Orla looked like a tomato coloured huffalump in hers.

Talking of costumes. IAN AND JADE. Her outfit was like a David Attenborough show all on it’s own -  a fishing net and a giant moth habitat combined.  And I don’t care what Brucie says, Ian is my favourite. Last night he looked like his hair had been dipped in icing sugar and his bottom half in black molasses. He is adorable and they were genius together. I think people voted for them to be in the dance off so they could reprise the hunt for  Ian’s belly button.  Does he actually have one, is it in the wrong place or has he had it surgically filled/removed for ergonomic reasons ?  This is my big worry of the week. 

 It was all going wrong for poor Flavia last night. She was suffering from acute ’Is my fringe too short in this - itis?’  Yes,Yes,Yes.  And having to get to grips with a partner who in spite of a full week of Rumba rehearsals decided on the night to dance a Scottish jig whilst singing Karaoke. I have pasta sauce down the front of my pj’s to prove how much I enjoyed their twirl into daftness.

Two  highlights were Kristina’s ensemble that made her look like she was  wearing a nappy underneath a swimming costume and Laila’s Halloweeny Incy Wincy Spider jumpsuit.

When Brendan and Jo Wood(en)  stalked offstage it was the fastest and most elegantly they have ever moved together. Brendan must be hoping that being a champion strop thrower will win them some extra votes and distract from his unlucky in love woodentop partner. 

And why don’t they GHD Brendan’s hair  next week ?  Just for a change. Go on, go on, go on.  I vote they do it in the style of John and Edward from the X Factor.

Firstly…. Ian’s trousers. Viewed from the back they reminded me, mid salsa, to add beef tomatoes to my shoppping list for tomorrow.

Secondly, a mystery/whodunnit.  Where was his willy?

ps : And can any druggie celebrity now get their very average sounding 13 year old god-daughter a star spot on BBC primtetime TV ? I despise the  ”It’s who you know” mentality that denies real opportunity for genuine talent.  Especially when it’s my compulsory licence fee that’s paying for it.

And why do so many of the boy singers look constipated when they perform ? I think they’re mixing up performance with poo-formance.

Boxer Joe was easily last night’s most bewildered dancer, make that stamper. He and Kristina are such a sweet couple, they’re even sharing clothes now  – his cloak became her skirt. A smart move by the currently cash conscious BBC.

 Lynda Bellingham shouldn’t have worn red, she looked like a (not very) bendy bus. I want her to go wiiilllllddddd and get to the finals and I’m starting to lose hope.

Incredulous again Craig Kelly just doesn’t get it – he’s doomed because he’s rubbish and won’t believe it. He mentioned gremlins affecting his performance, were they responsible for turning him that tangerine colour, too ?

Jade is armed and dangerous and no-one had better dare beat her. Has she been schooled in steely but smiley determination by Gabby Logan ? 

Jo Wood(en) was wearing a pair of curtains and Brendan carried her around splendidly.

Where was the real Andy Williams ? Who was that miniature impostor in trainers singing Moon River ?

And I thought there was a lot of mini-moo on display tonight.