I fast forward through all the cooking and crying and crises to the tasting bit when Greg Wallace (he’s got a head that looks like it’s been peeled) and John Torrode put a food loaded fork into their exceptionally large gobs and, without any inhibitions, make the sort of noises men usually only make with their trousers down.

He is frequently lost for words – on Countdown! – and his pet get out of trouble phrases are  “Gooooooood” and “Very gooooooooood.”  His embarrassment is bad for my rosacea, I am suffering along with him every afternoon.

But Nick has a sneery demeanour that stops me feeling too sorry for him. It’s killing the charm of the dinky afternoon show stone dead.  Countdown contestants are playing the game  for a teapot prize and are entitled to a lot of neck nuzzling and  tummy raspberries from the host. And they ain’t getting any Nick love.

In his first couple of days, round by round throughout the game, he was barking “Step back from the clock!” at the sweet and pretty  Rachel. She’s the bargain sum-head who took over from Carol Vorderman and I reckon she has cried a lot in the fortnight since Nick started work on the programme.

His worst offence is that when a round is over and the contestants declare how many letters are in their words  Nick repeats it with disdain.  Think Lady Bracknell with balls -   he does an exceptionally cutting “FIVE?”

How Nasty Nick landed the job as Countdown compere is a conudrum, and I will be expecting a teapot for my two “FIVE?” letter words, “You’re fired!”

Coffin hag Nancy confirmed that she has wide apart knees that would have been so  perfect for the Charleston - had she got far enough into the competition to dance it.

Tess dolled up in a half frock, half shower curtain dress  and Alesha’s number was a Brillo Pads exclusive design.

No surprises on the night: Jason should change his name to Earnest, The Only Way is Chelsee came a worthy second and Harry McFlew through the competiton as the bookie’s certain winner from  week one.

This series I ate a lot of cheese, saw a lot of cheese and loved every minute of it.

Only 300 and something sleeps until next year’s Strictly……….

Maybe Tess could tell Brucie to shut the fook up mid feeble gag - or not gurn for, say, thirty seconds at least? Or Dave Arch and his band could  be not wonderful, just the once?

Robbie came over all born again after being booted out - he has been emoting in TV interviews that, thanks to Strictly, the British public have seen a different side of him. Yes Robbie they have. Your back -side.  He claims he is a better man after the intensive spray tanning, sequins and stripping. With those words Robbie just snatched this year’s Gary Rhodes Delusional Dancer Award  from Edwina Currie.

Alex cannot win just by being very Welsh indeed, boyo.

I reckon the other contestants were even greener than Pasha after his and Chelsee’s jive, which was brilleeeeeeeeeeeeant.

I hope Jason is mainlining Santaogen. He’s going to need that and more to make the final.

It started off with some Savage strutting from Robbie, and Ola got her bumcrack out as a special treat but it was wasted in such a vast arena.

Can Russell get away with wrist dancing for much longer?  And  has he stolen Michael Ball’s hair? Being ‘fired’ at the start of last night’s show could be prophetic……

Anita’s gorgeous but she’s got feeble feet.

Is Holly’s dancing  sponsored by diazepam? It’s got everything but zest.

Jason was almost jolly,even when he went off jive.

And had the wardrobe department left their button box at the BBC Shepherd’s Bush? There was a lot of barechested chic going on.

I liked the lining of Tess’s Dress, but where was the rest of it? And who sat on Alesha’s hair?

There was a shot of Robin lifting Anita at the end of their dance that looked exactly like he was putting her on a commode.

I thought Alex Jones was jiving with Paul Daniels until I realised it was a rag doll.

Jason Donovan dances like he is being held to ransom to dance and if he  doesn’t do it someone will microwave his puppy – lighten up. Think Priscilla.

Robbie Savage is reception class cute the way he tries so hard. I vote he puts his hair in bunches for next week.

Audley’s Cha Cha Cha was hahaha -  the bloke was even smiling out of time.

Russell danced to I Ham What I Ham dressed in gold wrapping paper.

And this has nothing at all to do with Strictly - but my friend texted it to me while I was watching the show and it made me laugh:

Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: A Chinese telephone.
 

So Lulu is a goner but because she can’t seem to remember anything, especially her dance steps, she will probably turn up for next week’s show anyway.

Jason’s Rumba was a Slumba.

Robbie’s Waltz was a rise and fall study in constipation.

Russell’s Polka-Paso was his audition for panto 2012, and  I predict guylashes will be joining Russell’s guyliner sometime soon.

Last week’s loser Nancy DeWobblio  is threatening to sue Alesha for her critical judging comments. I’m hoping Professor Henry Higgins QC will be prosecuting Alesha, not for what she said about Nancy looking like a navvy but for her weekly flagrant abuse of the English language when she blurts to one or more contestants,  ”You was amazing!”

And my brain is so telly mashed I am convinced that The Magnificent Dave Arch is a direct descendant of Anna and Bates from Downton Abbey, there’s a strong family similarity there don’t you think?

And I have advice for Kitty on the X Factor (yes  it’s been a telly heavy weekend) STOP singing in your knickers if you want more votes.

Russell danced first this week and the cutesy spell has finally worn off for me. He’s starting to look like a one trick carthorse.

If a double wardrobe could dance it would be known as Audley Harrison.

Nancy Noknickers was  doomed from her first hip waggle  - she owes me 15p for last week’s vote and her demise to Anton who has been far too willing to help her make a fool of herself. Shame on him.

When Doris Savage did the cloak waving part of the Paso Doble  he reminded me that I needed  to change my duvet cover. Last week he crashed his nose into the TV camera so this week he took extra care and cupped his extremities to prevent breakages. Cue Craig luvvin it.

Anita was dreary and Chelsee teary and Lulu wafted about in a maternity dress looking not at all bewitched but definitely bewildered.

And I hope how very dare she Princess Beatrice applied on-line months ago for her seat in the Strictly  audience. Seeing her sat there when I have never,ever managed to get a ticket made me so envious it put me right off my stilton with apricots and crackers.

Let me tell you a Strictly secret. Anita Dobson is 62. Yes she is although it is never constantly mentioned on the show. It’s not the only interesting thing about her, there are others….like how she pulls a life or death “How long have I got , Doctor?” face when she gets her comments from the judges. That she peaked in Week One, and her husband has a  hair mountain. Does Brian May use a giant plug in turbo powered afro comb to make his frizz-pile a serious contender for world domination?

James should have been sent  to sit on the naughty step for his tantrum on last night’s show, but there were too many coo-pulls dancing/kissing/shimmying on the stairs so he got away unpunished . Anyone else think he looks like a Womble ?

Poor Alex squirmed with embarrassment to music  in every corner of the dance floor and then after her Rumba  had to endure a panel disussion about whether she was sexy or not - on live TV.  How many teeny voices asked in sitting rooms all over the UK ”What’s sexy, Mummy?” at 7pm ast night?

Lulu’s skirt sambaed last night but the rest of her didn’t. She did the same steps so many times that I thought my Skybox was stuck. And  she went for untended Tina Turner  hair. There’s a fine line between tousled and I’m not worth it. Ask Doris Savage.

Eyes glazed with terror Rory Bremner thrust his pelvis to the beat of ‘I wish I was dead’ and the glimpse of his more oestrogen than testosterone fuelled chest hair stimulated my gag reflex and meant I was forced to abandon my brie and crackers.

I actually voted for Nancy this week. It cost 15p and I felt I owed it to her for all the belly laughs she’s given me.

My observation on Holly and Artem’s dance is great earrings.

Told ya! Told ya! Chelsee to win.

The camera caught Alesha Dixon checking herself in the monitor several times during both Saturday and Sunday’s show -  I hope she saw what I did. That she clearly isn’t bovvered any more. And I bet it wasn’t her scoring paddles she went for under the table after Bruno lunged at her during his critique of Dan’s dance to Queen’s ‘Somebody to-ooo-ooo-ooo Love’

Russell made me weep with the sheer joy of his dance. He seems to be stepping out the letters to ‘I am so glad to be alive’ as he skips around the dance floor and I LOVE him for trying so hard and for the way he follows Flavia every move with his puppy eyes.

And waddabout Jason? Guilty as charged I am a Priscilla-aholic,  but even if I wasn’t his Tango was my my abandon the crackers and St Agur  to give a standing ovation moment  of the night.

I’m guessing staff The Priory are busy turning down the bed for Nancy  – she is having a slow dawning that she is  a sex siren only in her head ( although that is a very big place indeed) and not a championi dancer, either. Just shows that a good leg scissor action doesn’t transfer from Sven’s bedroom to the dance floor.

Anita Dobson and her teeth did a great jive. Husband Brian May wasn’t in the audience this Saturday. Could it be  haircut night when chainsaws, incinerators, teams of strong men in protective clothing are paid danger money to get his frizz mountain under control?

And Robbie Savage looks like Doris Day with stubble.