Strictly Seven Go to Blackpool


It’s Musicals week so they let Anton, who can’t hold a tune in a bucket, sing us in….?

Then on came Tess even though she’d clearly put her head through the armhole of her dress…?

What could possibly go right after that?

Ore went off the Strictly boil after his jive a few weeks back, and it’s no surprise that  that draggy-dull foxtrot left him in the bottom two.

Judge Grinder definitely got his  hips out for that swansong Samba. He was a great contestant – I ended up laughing with him and not at him. Note to Santa – Judge Rinder does not need a ‘dance like no-one’s watching’ mug.

Louise is jaunty, jolly and has jettisoned the kitchen sink to do something for herself and boost her confidence. She’s not the best dancer but she is the best smiler on the show.

JUST WHAT MORE DO CLAUDIA AND AJ HAVE TO DO TO GET ALL TENS? Maybe they could try flying without wings next week.

Danny Mac is incredible, and Oti is probably the best female pro ever to dance on Strictly. But in terms of the all important Strictly ‘journey’ Danny has been jogging on the spot (magnificently) since week 1.

Next week’s theme is dance your sparkly socks off, people.







Strictly Shaping Up

If they ever do a remake of The Woodentops then Tess Daly must be a shoo-in for a leading role.  Week on week she proves that it wasn’t the bumbling Brucie that held her back from being a bright and interesting TV presenter, it’s the fact that she is a personality free zone. And her smile scares me.

Daisy and Aljaz’s Salsa was cringey, mostly because of the hula bula they made of the lifts. Wave bye bye to Daisy everyone. Surely she must be out this week?

Busting a gut trying doesn’t make you a great dancer but it does make you likeable. Greg butched it up good  but not entirely proper in his Paso… And Natalie must have been cooking in her dress made of sofa covers.

Judge Rinder played his granny and granddad card wisely, it being Remembrance weekend and all.  I don’t approve of how he reacts to comments and scoring. Why doesn’t he just pull up a chair and judge himself?

Ore pouted and stuck out his chin in  good time to the music, but the Rumba is a flippin’ dreary dance whoever does it.

Katya truly earned her money this week by allowing Ed Balls to jump her then and bounce his bum on her breasts Gangnam style.

Claudia and  AJ  Viennised better than the biscuit.

Danny and Oti should have got 11’s for their Argentine Tango and then had a point deducted because he is a trained dancer. But still it should have been straight 10’s for that stunner of a dance.

Louise lightened up – at last.

The Class of 2016 are starting to shape up.






Strictly So So

Halloween hi jinks hack me right off, and the only thing that was scary about Strictly Week 6 was just how bad some of the dances were….

Louise Redknapp needs to let rip. She’s nice but……buttoned up.  I prescribe a bottle of Jacob’s Creek Rose as a cure.

Judge Rinder’s nipples were presented to the nation for his butterfly Paso. I’m not sure whether he is committed  to the dance, or if he  needs to be committed. The jury is out.

Claudia and AJ’s American Smooth was magical.

Anastacia jived like she was wearing clogs.

Danny fluffed his Foxtrot and his ‘journey’ begins….

Laura and Giovanni are a chill pairing….overmarked and underliked in this house.

Ore was swivelicious in his Charleston.

Greg’s got a stick out bumba ideal for a Rumba, and acted his sweatpants off. For a sports bloke he did good.

Daisy blubbed and babytalked because she was in the bottom two last week – that’s a sure fire way to be back there this week. Could it be the FlamenGO for Daisy?

So ex Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls can count – and  he  did it out loud, or sang, for most of his cheery Cha Cha Cha.

And – Tess Grayly should pull up a chair if she wants to be a judge or else stop giving her opinions on what the actual paid up judges have to say about each dance.

Tonight’s Strictly snack was a homemade pumpkin pate on wholemeal toast. It tasted like shite. But I didn’t tell that to the kind neighbour who made and shared.







Strictly Glum Dancing

First things first – Tess Greyly has developed a really irritating habit of repeating, in the style of Les Dawson,  what the judges have to say to the cooples. Write her some lines of her own, somebody please.

Meanwhile, on the dance floor it was a moody and not at all magnificent night.

Tis a pity Judge Rinder can’t score himself, and then he’d get the 10’s he’s certain  he so richly deserves.

Lesley’s face did the tango but her feet didn’t.

Before you vote him out for dud dancing remember that Greg is an OLYMPIAN. But has he played his national hero card too early? Let’s hope he’s got an ailing  grandma to wheel out for votes later on.

Anastacia borrowed Gorka for one night only, and he proper perked her up.

Louise and Kevin were dressed in grey that set the mood for their dreary Rumba. There were a couple of moves that looked like he was loading her into a cab after a boozy night out.

Ed Balls American Smooth wasn’t.  Even before he almost dumped Katya on her head from a height he had  fright in his eyes. And there was a lot of woo-hoo grabbing going on. Was Ed channelling that other busted flush politician Donald Trump?

Ore can’t put a foot wrong so far this series, and didn’t last night

I’m not feeling Daisy. I bet Janette Manrara isn’t either . Her and Alijaz’s Charleston  felt like it went on forever.

Laura’s bad ankle must have given all the other contestants a tension headache because she was a hot favourite for the dance off. So Laura gets a bye for this week, instead of a bye bye.

Danny Mac should keep his chest warm for fear he catches Brendan’s lung infection. He moved his bumba well in that Rumba.

I thought my Skybox was stuck on fast forward for Claudia and AJ’s speed Samba. Calm down dears.

Class of 2016 – could do better.

Strictly Pancake Week

So Will Young has flounced off and then there were, in Tesstalk (quick fake smile) 12 cooples left on Strictly.

It was mostly pancake week. As in flat as…..

Greg and Natalie did a so what Salsa.

Laura Quickstepped with her head chucked back so far that I thought she was counting the lightbulbs.

Anastacia is a trooper, but she is also a lumpy dancer.

Cuties Claudia and AJ did a forgettable Foxtrot

Ed Ballsupped his Paso Doble. He’s the joke that stopped being funny last weekend.

If it’s been a while since you’ve had a good cringe just watch Naga trying to trawl up some perky mermaid personality for her Charleston.

Louise’s Foxtrot was too comfy womfy. I tuned out halfway through to think about the US election and how poor voters have to choose between constipation and diarrhoea as President.

Boris Becker liked Danny Mac’s Quickstep and I BIG heart Boris Becker

This might be a bit of a Lowe blow but I fast forwarded Daisy’s dronezone Rumba.

Judge Rinder was a face pulling whirling dervish in his Viennese Waltz.

Lesley joyously out-Charlestoned the yoofs.

Jive Shouting! Ore and Joanne were magnificent and took Week 4 from humdrum to hurrah.

Tess Dreary needs to go. She’s a woodentop in a sparkly dress.




Strictly Popcorn

I do love a good theme and Cinema Week was just the ticket:

Daisy Whowe’s quickstep was , er, I can’t remember. But I know she smiled a lot.

I get it, I get it – Anastacia is brave and is battling on.

Danny did a Mac-nificent Paso.  Oti got the dress dud of the week made from an old ruched blind and some black nylon knickers.

Lesley steamed her quickstep. She’s 70? I demand a recount.

Will Young. he of the orange pantaloons, kindly put Head Judge Len straight on how to mark a Salsa.  To be fair, Will was probably still in shock after that lift – the one where Karen leapt from the floor and shoved her foo-foo in his face.

It’s a mission impossible to get Naga to put any ooopmph into her dances. She would have got higher scores for that Tango if Pasha had left her stuck the harness.

Judge Rinder is going to wear his face out with all his gurning and grinning. And he looked just like Todd from Corrie in that wig.

Ore nicked the night – he got his style and his personality out for ‘Dancing in the Rain’ and it was a perfect storm.

Laura waved her woo woo in  Giovanni’s face – but still their Salsa was lacking.

Greg Dabumbum and Natalie’s American Smooth was divine. I have put a red whooshy dress on this week’s shopping list and I plan to waft in it. A lot.

Poppet pairing Claudia and AJ had jumping beans for  their nursery tea, and it showed in their Charleston.

Too-much Tameka did a dull Tango. Not much cop really.

A banana having a seizure….Ed Balls. Make sense of that statement if you can.

Louise and Kevin did a Cha Cha Cha that was a bit blah, blah, blah.

And my predicition is that in movie week it’s Naga who has to be the Gone Girl……






Strictly Settling In

Week 2 already and it kicked off with Ore and Joanne’s Cha Cha Cha. There was a snappy bit of braceography in there but I thought “Ore for that!” when it was over.

Claudia and AJ did a lovely waltz and then she fed him, changed him, burped him and put him down to sleep after all the excitement.

Will’s jive was a flop. His face did the dance, but his feet didn’t.

Lesley is 71.  Respect. And Anton’s trousers deserve a show of their own

Greg planked the Tango but treated us to a good look at  his  bottom which resembles two watermelons in a carrier bag. Nice.

Tameka and Gorka danced a cheery Charleston – she’s a hoot and a holler but might need to find and use her mute button some of the time. Just saying.

Laura and Giovanni did a lovely waltz. Who is she again?

Melvin’s cotton wool Tango was ‘orrible. Frowning does not a Tango make.

Allelujah! LouKev  twirled good.

This is the second week running that Anastacia and Brendan have done the sexpot thing – next Saturday they should try sexnot and maybe just dance?

Ed Ball’s Charleston was all great fat-belly-in-plaid  fun. I hope the BBC are keeping a good watch on Ed’s expense claims while he’s on Strictly. The bloke has previous.

Naga’s Cha Cha Cha was underwhelming and her interviews awks in the extreme…..oh, and Diana Ross called – she wants her hair back.

Why does Judge Rinder speak to his partner Oksana like she is a deaf 100 year old? Does he make me laugh? Or cringe? The jury is out.

Daisy Lowe – overmarked.

Danny and Oti did a star turn on their Viennese  Waltz.

I reckon Naga will be out because Darcy told her how great she looked. Seasoned Strictly viewers will know when Darcy gushes over your outfit it’s  code for,  “A  mop handle could have done that dance better!”









Week 1 – Strictly Mystery ‘Celebrities’

Ooops – I am a week late to the party – but what about Strictly 2016? It’s like Strictly Come Dancing mixed with Surprise Surprise. I mean, who are these people?

Week 1 thoughts:

I predict plenty of kissy kissy for Laura NeverClappedEyesonHer and Giovanni

Nagawhowhat? and Pasha  are already a bit of a bore off. I reckons she’s the sort of gal who irons her knickers

Judge Rinder’s  ha-ha-ha Cha-Cha-Cha blew my telly up. I LOVE him and his little Russian psychopot Oksana

Lesley and Anton? Sponsored by Nice and Easy Hair Dye

GimmeacluewhoisOray?  and Joanne were cute. And forgettable

Greg Rutherford needs a lesson at the Judge Rinder Academy of Lively Facial Expressions – never has a mouth been so open to impress so few

Louise is smiley wiley and a good dancer but a bit of a ringer as she’s been in a dancy pop band.

Melvin’s shirt gave me a headache, and who is he by the way?

Daisyneverclappedeyesonher Lowe got a 9?

DannywhotheheckisheMac? and Oti are this year’s firecrackers. I’ve put £5 on him to win and the bloke in the betting shop said “Who is  this bloke, then?” I rest my case

Who is cacklehead Tameka? Hilarious and game and all that but will she get on the nation’s nerves?

Anastacia and Brendan tried to be sexy but could do with being more flexy

Every seen a baked potato dance? I give you Ed Balls

Claudia and AJ are the first ever contestants to have escaped from Nursery to take part in Strictly. Fun fact: they like to share a mashed banana before the show

Will Young is cool. Let’s see what happens when the judges shred him.











Strictly Smiley Love

OK first things first – why was Katie Derham’s husband wearing a comic for the final?

And there are more questions than answers:

How come Len and Bruno declared Kellie as their winner before voting was closed? Aren’t the judges  they supposed to be Switzerland?

Why was Jay and Aliona’s showdance a no-dance? It was definitely more flop than fit.

How did Kellie and Kevin get away with TWO charleston style dances?  I overdosed on their grinning and gurning.

Why was Georgia blindfolded for the start of her showdance ? A case of 50 shades of step away from the glitterball.  And creepy central.

How could Anton dare to look so disappointed when he didn’t make the final three? Had he been wearing Georgia’s blindfold when the other couples danced?

I was disappointed Jay won in the end. He was flat faced and a trained dancer. Kellie was a dance teacher and Georgia had been to stage school where dancing was on the timetable so in terms of a ‘journey’ they all had a head start.

Anita was my winner this year, she didn’t get the glitterball, but she got a lot of smiley love from me and legions of Strictly fans for her no previous dance experience,  general bravura and all round brilliance.






Strictly So-So Semi

A couple of dances into the semi final and the judges were so grumpy wumpy I was wondered if only Tess and Claudia would make it to The Final.

Anton and Katie slaughtered their Charleston. And their Waltz was wobbly.  I can’t bear that she thinks viewers are voting for her  when actually it is Anton’s faithful fans dialling in. The WeLuvAntonBrigade figure that their hero did such hard  penance with Ann Widdecombe and Nancy Loopylolio that they  want him to get his hands on the glitterball before his free bus pass arrives.

Aliona does love to nestle her head on Jay’s chest and still his facial expression doesn’t ever change. Maybe she could chomp down on his nearest nipple – that might rearrange his face. His Viennese Waltz was curly whirly. And their Charleston was wonderful until he dropped Aliona on her perky behind.

Georgia struggled out of her sick bed to Salsa and Viennese Waltz.  Dr Dance cured her. My late Mother would tell the pair of them to keep their chests warm.

I love that Anita gives every dance plenty of welly, but fear she may  be back in her Countryfile wellies next week after their feeble Foxtrot. But that Salsa! There wasn’t a lot of gapping between his groin and her chin in some of the moves. And Anita should have earned  air miles for those lifts. If they get knocked out this week at least Gleb will be able to spend more time with his mirror.

I can’t remember if I saw KK’s Rumba. Nuff said. Their American Smooth was gorgeous. But who in the wardrobe department has a grudge against Kelly? Every week her dresses  are designed never to batter, not flatter, her figure.

And the winner is…..? I lost my £10 bet the week Daniel O’Donnell clomped out so what do I know?