Black Humps and Armadillos

I was gifted a pair a tickets for the Summer Exhibition at the Royal Academy in Piccadilly and went along last night to look at all the posh people looking at art. Ooops, I mean I went along to look at the art.

I am a philistine because  the very first exhibit was a high shine copper finish life-size sculpture of a naked man and I was compelled to knock on his buttocks with my knuckles. For me the solid/hollow dichotomy of those bum cheeks was central to the message of the piece. That’s Brian Sewell talk for I just had to cop a feel…..

The man with the shiny bum and all the hot air being spoken around me made me too warm so I removed my cardigan and went to hang it on a nearby clothes rail. A steward appeared from nowhere and informed me that the clothes rail and hangers were actually an EXHIBIT and that I mustn’t touch it.My face must have been screaming ‘Are you kidding me?’ because she said  if I was in any doubt to check my catalogue where that £25 clothes rail and a few hangers swinging off it is listed for sale at £1000.

Agog and aghast I staggered on to see  a green neon sign flashing on the wall. It was about foot long and 8 inches high and read  ‘DOGS’.  It cost £66,000. That’s £16,500 per letter.  In my humble opinion that wasn’t smart art because the artist should have neon-ed the word ELEPHANTS or ARMADILLOS and at least doubled his money.

Any member of the public can submit work to the Royal Academy for consideration for the Summer Exhibition. And  I had a light-bulb idea for 2013! I thought I could  create a wooden hump, say three feet high in balsa, with a hole in it and call it ‘Hump with Hole’ . Dammit though, someone  got there first this year and is charging £40,000 for theirs.

Now I’m thinking maybe a neon Hump with a Hole suspended on a Hanging Rail with a shiny copper bottom. It would be worth hundreds of thousands and surely bring a Saatchi brother to my double glazed porch. I am an artiste!

5 comments to Black Humps and Armadillos

  • Ginny Willis

    Whaaat, I thought you were on the Spirit of Chartewll yesterday, how do you manage all these Royal engagements!!!

  • That reminds me of when I was in an art gallery and looking at an exhibit called ‘Tree’, only it wasn’t there; there was just a wooden shelf. I thought, maybe they’d taken the exhibit down to dust it. Then someone said, ‘The shelf is the exhibit’. Silly me. I stick to portraiture now.

  • Julie

    I think Fran and I may have seen the same shelf! I saw a white shelf with a white cup and a white saucer on it at a gallery some years ago – it was about 5 feet off the ground and there were about 50 people including me staring at it. It was called “tea for the dead”. I was totally baffled. Apparently neon is “in” – there’s a new neon museum that has just opened in Las Vegas.

  • sarah davis

    I must get my daughter who is an art student to submit something next year with a hight price tag!
    And who says that artists starve in in the attic!
    Sarah x

  • Ginny, I am too old to stand for four hours on a barge on the Thames in a whipping wind and rain…….

    Fran, treely?

    Julie and Fran, you two need to pull your shelves together!

    Sarah, do it! It is her duty to make a lot of money and keep you in style in your old age

    Welcome SmitoniusandSonata! I can tell you have vision and finesse from your reference to sticky back plastic.

    Anna May x