Balls and Undertakers and Coconut Mushrooms

I’ll be up all night catching up on the work I didn’t do today because Wimbledon gobbled my time. The big tennis question of the day is has the club dumped the rule about players walking off the court together after a match? I have seen several losers stroppy walking to the dressing room ahead […]

Bang Bang You’re Booked

I got a penalty charge notice in the post today for parking in a taxi rank. I have an alibi – I was at home fast forwarding through ‘Mad Men’ at the time. The misdeamenour occurred when daughter number one went to pick up daughter number two from the station in my car and didn’t […]

Michael Ball’s Bidet

The couple sat in front of me tonight in the cheap seats at the theatre chewed each other’s faces, ears and necks until the lights went down.

As the music started they stopped snogging and he put his arm around her shoulder to pull her close. To hold that position he needed to rest his […]


A Spiritualist appeared in court in Wales this week because he persuaded a female client that, in order to get closer to the spirits, she would need to remove her clothing during their consultation.

In a session with another vulnerable client, after attempting and failing to channel her deceased Father, the psychic advised that in […]

Rise and Shine

I was on early morning TV last week. I am not an early morning person. When the make up girl saw me she stfiled a shriek and instead chirped “I love a challenge!”

She really put her back into it, layering foundation onto my shiny face (that’s why it looked so large, by the way) […]

The Strong Arm of the Librarian

I read in the paper that Callmedave and Sam Cam left their 9 year old daughter Nancy behind when they headed home after Sunday lunch in a pub.

It reminded me of the time I took my precious first born son Robert out in his silver cross pram (it was the size of a Ford […]

Black Humps and Armadillos

I was gifted a pair a tickets for the Summer Exhibition at the Royal Academy in Piccadilly and went along last night to look at all the posh people looking at art. Ooops, I mean I went along to look at the art.

I am a philistine because the very first exhibit was a high […]