Razzle Vagazzle ‘Em

Just had my annual Christmas gift conversation with my husband who likes to gather a few ideas before he browses Wickes or Robert Dyas for something he thinks I might like.

After thirty years he can still surprise me. “Would you like a sugar bowl for Christmas?” he asked all pleased with himself for coming […]

Frenemy Number One

Spoke to my top ‘frenemy’ today. An old school friend who calls from time to time to check I am still poorer, fatter and more common than she is. And to confirm that her dog is glossier, her children more successful and her heated car seats are much, much hotter than mine.

Her selected topic […]

Ten Ton Toes

Had the dancing shoes been dipped in concrete on last night’s Strictly? It was heavy legs all around, and Anne Widdecombe simply played statues and pulled funny faces. I am completely over her. In fact the whole show was as tired as Scccccccccoooooottttttt – until Gavin popped up in the grip of a pair of […]

Chills and Thrills

My mobile rang at 1.40am. I snatched it up and hollered “What’s wrong?” knowing it must be one of my (not really any more) children who are all now living away from home.

“I don’t feel well” said hypochondriac daughter number three. She had called me by mistake thinking she had dialled one of her […]

Donkeys and Asses

It’s long been my opinion that the only items of clothing that should be made in yellow are babygros. Yellow is a trigger for migraine and an all around embarrassment for anyone old enought to sit up by themselves.

So when Anne Widdecombe turned up on Strictly last night looking like a canary on steroids […]

Happy to Help?

“Can you explain what you mean by personal? Is it a below the waist matter?”

“Could you please go home and make an appointment on the internet?”

“No you don’t have an appointment even though yes you did book one”

Another mouthed the word ‘No’ at me, shook her head and stabby pointed to the […]

Ready?

Problem: According to today’s press it takes Kelly Brook for hours, no, FOUR hours to get ready to go out and she twuly twuly wants that to change.

Solution A: Get a shift on, Kelly!

Solution B: Hypnosis at a Private Clinic in La-La Street, Media Vale, London.

…….and it took Kelly several hours […]

Strictlyonics

Last week Jimi Mistry had a hissy fit and carried on like there had been some major national tragedy when he was voted out of Strictly. The real shock was that, as the floppiest footed dancer in the competition, he didn’t exit even sooner.

I didn’t miss Jimi at all this week because Gavin […]

Hot Like Me

These days and nights I am a furnace on legs and terrified that I might spontaneously combust. I am smoking hot, and not in a good way.

Last night I lay on top of the bedcovers beneath a window flung wide open. I was wearing my freshly washed birthday suit and steam was rising gently […]

Strictly Balls and Bedsheets

It was a wobbly weekend on Strictly. Pamela looked doughty and now a doubtful winner. Anne was a flopper girl and my guess is she’s running out of old gal power, and as for poor Michelle – it was like watching an ironing board waltz. Gavin had a ball. Yes, really he did. And he […]