Smearly Ready!

It was smear test day today.

I disrobed as necessary and positioned myself on the treatment bed in the dying fly position. I could hear the movements of  the Nurse as she hummed a bit of Lady Gaga and snapped on her rubber gloves in tune. Then came the clang of stainless steel bowls and clamps. You know, the ones they keep in the freezer before use.

I was doing my in-through-the-nose and out-through-the-mouth deep relaxation breathing.  My mind drifted off to my shopping list; american coleslaw (yummy), choccochino muffins and chick peas and  wandered from there along to the car insurance renewal  premium and the way Wagner sang ‘Looooorve Shack’ on the X Factor two weeks ago. Hang on! Just what is keeping this smear nurse? Why am I waiting ?

“Sorry, sorry! I  just can’t seem to find the entrance” she said as she punched the curtains several times to try and join me in the cubicle, getting it wrong each time…………

8 comments to Smearly Ready!

  • Jan

    What a visual you have put inside my head Anna. Hope she found her way in eventually!

  • I’d be more worried if she couldn’t find the exit. Thanks for this, chum. Smear booked for next week. I may cancel.

  • Debbie

    The fact that you are able to distract yourself to the extent of remembering Wagner’s signing is a miracle!! I always re-acquaint myself with every muscle in my butt!

  • Julie

    I have a vision of her wrapped in a massive curtain spining around – how funny. Did she say “dilated to meet you?” and “at our cervix?” as she lurched towards you wth her freezing speculum?
    As for Wagner singing “Loooorrve Shack” – what a performer! He’s the new Tm Jones (maybe).

  • MOYA

    Imagine the panic on the faces of all the other waiting women when those words were uttered !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anna May

    Jan, she did, Wince.

    Fran, think about Wagner, you’ll be fine.

    Debbie, to many muscles too little time ‘cos mine is XL.

    Julie, it was poor cervix, that’s true.

    Moya, they probably thought I was a mutant!

    Anna May x

  • My eyes are watering after that. And not at the thought of Wagner’s terrible rendition either!

    Smear tests rock – one of them saved my life 7 years ago 🙂

  • Ginny Willis

    Oh Anna, how you crack me up!

    A smear test saved my life 14 years ago.

    However uncomfortable it is it is worth it. Best to go to a clinic where they ask you which position you prefer!!