Down with Dairy

Never mind what the weather people say – there is a tornado on it’s way.

 My dog and snake eating vegetarian gapper daughter is heading home from the other side of the world. One week from now I will be neck high in dirty laundry and arguing with her about everything from Plato to Peter Andre  -that’s what we do. Her bedroom looks like Miss Havisham’s lair since she left it 7 months ago so I’d better head in there sometime soon with a yardbrush and some Jeyes Fluid.  

I’m meeting my daughter (our baby of 4 children) at the airport and I hope I recognise her. Three years ago when her brother came home after gapping in China for almost a year I thought I was being attacked in Heathrow’s Arrivals Lounge when a skinny hairy hippy rushed at me. Neither his Dad or I recognised him. We’d dropped off a Gary Barlow looky-likey nine months earlier and couldn’t believe the wiry beared blonde bloke demanding a hug was related to us. It was only my son’s teeth that convinced me he was him, because in every other respect – clothes, body shape, skin colour and posture he was  transformed. He put his dramatic weight loss and increased hairiness down to cutting out dairy products during his travels around China and the Far East.

Which brings me to last week when I was having a birthday present voucher neck and back massage. The masseuse ,who looked like a matchstick with giant glossy red lips, broke the silence (which I was enjoying ) and said “Will you do something for me darling, will you?” I said yes immediately which thinking back was a bit foolish  because she could have sent me out to injure someone with her hot eucalyptus oil, or do harm with boiling wax.  What this high shine miniature woman actually wanted me to do was “Cut out dairy, darling.”

This was only the second thing she had said to me after hello and I felt compelled to ask her why. “It will help with the bloating” she said patting my back reassuringly/sympathetically. I didn’t enjoy the rest of my massage because in an unprovoked attack I’d been called a bloater – and remember she was only doing my neck and back.

2 comments to Down with Dairy

  • Moya

    I can’t wait to hear all about her adventures—– especially the ones she will only divulge to my girls ( her cousins). As for your masseuse,you should have smeared her shiny red lips with the hot wax whilst mooing like a cow!!!!!

  • Roisin

    I’m coming back a little more michelle mc manus than victoria beckham after all the thai food
    xxxx