Yes ladies, it’s THAT time of year again. The party season is here so get your strangulation underwear out of those bottom drawers and blow the cobwebs off.

I can’t because I sent mine back for a refund after wearing them last year. Revolting, I know but It was retribution for the pain and suffering they caused me. Not to mention loss of libido. In my defence I did pack them in bubble wrap and confess they were ‘used’,  and advised that the post room worker should use tongs when handling them. No-one has ever deserved a refund more.

I bought my ‘bodyshaper’  by mail order a size too big because I didn’t want to be squeezed so hard by my pantaloons that a bubble appeared at the top of my head. Thank god I took that precaution because getting into the pair that were too big was nevertheless the biggest physical challenge I’ve ever had. I started off sitting on the edge of the bed in a ladylike fashion with the elasticated article in my hands. They looked harmless enough. Bathed, oiled, deodorised and serene, l was looking forward to a lovely night out.

In moments I was in the fallback position lying flat on my back flailing and fighting for survival with my knickers. From the bed I heaved, wriggled and rolled myself onto the floor as I tried to pull up and on the undies. It was useless, the knickers were attacking and winning. Not one to be easily defeated I dragged ever harder and after one almighty  yank actually jelly rolled out onto the landing and bumped down three stairs. Victory ! I was into one leg.

By the time I’d jammed myself into those camel coloured monstrosities my limbs were a mottled purple colour, my face was blue and my entire body slimy with sweat. Nothing that a bit of slap couldn’t fix.

But the mirror didn’t lie, the dimples had melted from my thighs, J Lo would have wept in envy over the shape of my derriere and my baby belly (yes, it’s 20 years ago, what about it?) was in captivity. I swear though that my ankles were pushing  out of my strappy shoes and I had more chins than I did  before I jammed  the torture knickers on. Heyho, those rolls had  to go somewhere, it’s pure physics.

And then disaster struck – I needed a wee.  I needed scissors more.

2 comments to PARTYPANTS

  • Debbie Mohess

    I love this blog! This is so me when I’m putting on my glad rags.

  • I too have a pair of these welded party knickers and I swear they have a mean streak in them! I bought them to fit last year, since then I have lost 20+lbs in weight and a whole dress size but guess what the knickers are still as tight even though some of my trousers fall down! I am sure thosthey have read Rosemary Conley’s diet too…so that’s it war – I am going to lose another dress size for next year’s party season and see if the knickers keep up or down!