For the last seven days I have eaten Rice Krispies with water for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am on a keep my gallstones happy diet and it seems they love a lot of snap, crackle and pop.
The reason I’ve been blog-quiet is that I have been biting on a leather strap and dealing with the pains the little swiney gallstones cause when they roll around in my intestines.
Mr Anna May has taken to calling me Gallstone Gertie and is very upset that curry is off the menu..
After surgery later this week I will be Gallbladderless Gertie. Can’t come soon enough, and see you on the other side.
Here is a joke that may or may not be a comment on the bonanza funeral planned for the late Mrs Thatcher……
I was in a cemetery last week and I watched the pallbearers walking round and round with a coffin on their shoulders and I thought to myself, ‘They’ve lost the plot’.
This evening, in a falsetto shout, I threatened to set fire to our back room curtains. This is because I hate the way they slide off the rail at the end every time I draw them open or shut.
Mr Anna May is the chief curtain track fixer and hanger in our house and he hasn’t improved at the task in 35, perilous overhead, years.
The first pair he put up as a newlywed fell down, and the latest ones do the same. He says it doesn’t matter and that curtains bore him.
If I complain about the calamitous state of our curtains my husband plays jeopardy music on his tin whistle and drowns me out. When he does that I have the urge to speed hammer the tin whistle into his belly button.
In my bedroom twice a day I am hit on the head by a knob. This is because said knob is not properly screwed to the end of the curtain pole so drops off each time I open or close the curtains.
I have become quite adept at dodging the knob and must look nifty as I am doing it because a chap whose garden backs on to ours enquired, at a recent neighbourhood watch meeting, whether I was a breakdancer.
I know if I want a job done properly I should do it myself but I would get greater satisfaction from not having to do the frickin’ job myself and still getting it done properly.
Blinds might be easier, I know, but I am blind-averse since my dog got his head stuck in a friend’s venetian and ended up pulling it off the window and running around her front room wearing it and smashing up her artfully displayed Wedgewood collection.
We haven’t really made up since that episode. I think it might be because I sent Mr Anna May around to repair the damage.
Wooohooo school’s almost out and Mr Anna May and I are off on an Easter jolly to the Irish seaside. Mindful of the sub zero Springtime weather I have packed ski type puffa wear, chapped lip and nose cream and hotties (mini hottie wattie botties) to put in my pockets to keep my hands alive on the beach. I also have a thermal balaclava that I suspect I will have to wear back to front to protect my already tomato red complexion from the attack of Atlantic winds..
I have pre-allocated one twentieth of the suitcase we are sharing to Mr Anna May who takes the’ ‘bum, eyes, teeth’ approach to going anywhere away from home. One change of undies, a toothbrush and his reading glasses and he is good to go, he reckons. He’s travelling heavy this time as he has also laid out a pair of Speedos and his Ugg hat to wear for for walks on the beach. Oh, and a piece of elastic and two pins in anticipation of a whipping wind taking his precious hat out to sea.
I have packed a different sequinned top for each evening we are staying, a bucket sized tub of hair conditioner which I hope will penetrate my seriously deranged follicles in the hotel’s steam room , and my new Kindle ….. so sparkly, smooth haired, good read times are ahead.
Happy Easter to you all. I wish you big fun. And good chocolate.
Anna May x
As the programme is currently off air it is probably safe to talk about him now…..
I’d never heard of the BBC’s Great British Bake Off until a neighbour recommended I give it a try.
This neighbour doesn’t look like a fan of anything other than cold showers and nail beds. She wears a tartan three quarter length coat and German shoes and has definitely lost her tweezers. She was chatting to me in the street about dog poo and suddenly went all soft centred about TGBBO, praising the show and especially it’s co-host Paul Hollywood. Her exact words of recommendation were, “That Hollywood fella, he can ice my cupcake any time he likes. You seen it?”
I reported this most odd conversation to a friend who instantly swooned “Oh yum! Paul Hollywood – that man sure puts the jam in my donut I can tell you……”
AND my church-going choir-singing great aunt is another Paul Hollywood enthusiast, assuring me ” If he was kneading my dough my buns would truly be extra fruity!”
So, I made it my business to watch a repeat of the show. Paul Hollywood seems a nice enough bloke, but the only thing that got me excited was Mary Berry’s lovely floral cardigan.
I am disappointed that my fondant didn’t fancy him.
I have been playing with myself on ‘Words with Friends’ for over a week and only realised it when I sent myself a message to say well played and signed it Anna May.
I was proper baffled when I opened it and read my own congratulations to myself for getting a 56 point word - dioxin for the curious.
Player 1 and Player 2 were both me. And to confirm that my i-phone is in charge of me I don’t even know how I ended up with a random opponent that was myself.
This proves two things. The first is that my memory is so hormone-laced that it is currently useless. The second is that I should spend more time working than trying to win scrabble games with strangers, even if they are me.
And the good news? I won!
TWO of my daughters graduate as Doctors this year and I am sooooo proud that to mark the magnitude of the occasion and their six tough years of study I feel I should dress for their success. A ballgown in a psychedelic colour with a train and a sash with a matching placard about how hard they’ve worked seems appropriate to me…….
….but I have to be restrained so I don’t make a holy show of my girls. Tonight that restraint took me to Monsoon on-line to look at sensible but smart dresses. I also took a peep on ebay to see if I could find a knock ‘em dead graduation number
I did (magenta silk, embroidered, long enough to conceal my cauliflower knees) and my finger hovered over the ‘bid now’ button.
Until I saw that the seller had described the dress as a ‘fattering‘ fit…………..
I am looooovvving the latest series of The Good Wife’. Julianna Marguiles who plays corporate lawyer Alicia Florrick gives such great suit. Her offices are supersmartchicwhizzy.com
It makes me realise just what I am missing by working here at home. My sofa is my office chair and a chintzy cushion that I use to rest my laptop on is my desk. I have an executive footstool that barks…. that would be my collie dog. And as for my suit free appearance everything about me is creased; clothes and alas, face.
But - there are bonuses,pity they aren’t finanacial ones, but I do get to watch QVC when I have my lunch and I don’t have to share my
daily , weekly, occasional, very occasional bag of Maltesers.
This week my husband got a reminder from the DVLA to renew his driving licence photo so he poodled off and got some done in the booth at Asda. When he brought them home I noticed that he is wearing exactly the same shirt as in the previous photo……. that one was taken twelve years ago.
Anyone got a number for Gok Wan? It’s an emergency.
And one more Oscar observation – I wondered if Best Supporting Actress winner Anne Hathaway was thanking each and every one who had bought a cinema ticket to see Les Miserables when she started reeling off that looooooong list of names in her speech……..