Denim in the Dark

I heart my jeans. So much so that I think my Pappy’s, Pappy’s, Pappy’s Pappy may have been a cowboy.

We are celebrating 30 years of bum coverage together this year. M&S circa 1985. Then I found out my daughters don’t share the love.

“Embarrassing!” they said during their denim intervention, and they took me out to buy a new pair

The first shop had a power cut so I couldn’t find anything in there. Only it wasn’t a power cut my daughters told me, it’s just the way they sell clothes. In the dark?

The second shop was lit well enough for me to see I’d need buttocks like Maltesers and legs like pipe cleaners to get into their size XL. The  music was thumping – so loud it made my boobs hum –   and drowned out my cri de coeur when I saw the price tag……£225.

Finally, in shop number 33,  the girls found me a pair of jeans that they agreed were so modern mum. And I could get them over my hips. Result! But the jeans  wouldn’t go any higher And that, the girls chorused was a good thing. I was in a pair of low rise jeans, ‘And the 21st century’ one drawled.

Together we stared at the fly button holes – they had tufts of my knicker wrapped pubic hair sticking out of them.

I declared them a NOWAYNOTEVERAREYOUJOKING? and my daughters told me to get a Brazilian and buy them. In reverse order.

A shouting match ensued.  We made up over frothy coffee and cake in John Lewis. Denim never tasted so good.

Pressure Washers, Sparkly Capes and Labradors

Poor Magonna! Her backward dive at The Brits is precisely why I NEVER wear a sparkly hooded cape when I am dancing on the stairs. Er, make that hoovering the stairs. One good thing about her tumble is that she gave the world an opportunity to enjoy her ladygarden from a previously unseen angle. And who knew there was one of those?

Talking about what not to wear, waddabout the Oscars? Where did the sparkle go this year? I watch (slavishly) because I want to covet the outfits but none of them did it for me .

Biggest laugh of the night was the walking rose bush Gwyneth Paltrow. Her dress made her look like a two headed monster and could have come from the Dr Who props department. I thought her face looked somehow odd, too,  but maybe she was just coming down from the effects of steaming her vulva. Read all about that must-do part of her booty regime on her website ‘Goop’ (short for loopy-loo).

I can picture Gywnie perched on a porcelain teacup enjoying a delicate mist of eucalyptus and mint wafting around her pale and wrinkle free vayjayjay. If I was to give steaming my funparts a try I’d need a wheelie bin, Jeyes Fluid and a pressure washer.

I do love Eddie Redmayne  and I’m super-duper delighted he won the Oscar but now I want him to get, and stay, butch. The pedigree labrador that’s been to RADA schtick is about to become less charming in 10, 9, 8 seconds and counting…….

Keira’s Gone Cuckoo

The 72nd Golden Globe Awards are about rewarding creativity, recognising talent – no, stuff that – it’s all about THE DRESSES.

And what a stinging eyeful they were, providing plenty enough comedy to keep me awake watching them sashay down the red carpet until 2am on E!

It’s time to retire Guiliana Ranic as host – the woman is so ill-thin that she looks likes she been dug up and a designer dress hung on her skeleton.

Melissa McCarthy decided to ditch the designers and make herself a lunatic dress from some bunting she had in the garage. It turned out to be half sexy secretary and half christmas tree and probably the funniest thing she’ll be in this year.

JLo had chest and crotch cleavage and I suspect she has started using the same perfume as Madonna, ‘Eau de Desperate’.

Amal Clooney’s long satin gloves bagged, Nora Batty style, down her twig like arms. But that’s a good problem to have when Georgeous is at her side ever-ready to yank them back up for her. He was very clingy-ony with her. Is he scared she’s going to escape?

But the most bonkers dress of the decade – at any awards do anywhere – was Keira Knightley’s choice; an insect print frock with a ruffle doily top and a ruched bottom. Picture a choirboy crossed with an edam carrying little dutch girl being attacked by butterflies. I know she’s pregnant but it’s early days to be so hormone crazy…..

Away from the dresses for a moment, I am in a huff that the brilliant Olive Kittredge got nowt, and that The Good Wife wasn’t deemed good enough to get a win.

And why isn’t the entire event on telly over here? Gutted.com

Sing In 2015

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
fla bla bla of auld lang syne

Chorus:
For auld land syne my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take o’ cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne

Fla bah bah hum mmmm hum bla
Bla Bla hmmm mmmmm ba ba hmmm bla
Bla take a cup o’kindness yet
Fla haa bla ah auld lang syne

(Another chorus and arm dislocated by bloke on your left giving it welly)

Snog stranger

Strictly Ziggy Zaggy Bobs

Caroline Flack is 35! I put her at least ten years younger. I am getting me a ziggy-zaggy bob and a fringed frock for Christmas so I can turn back time, too.

In the end I switched horses and wanted Mark Wright to win – even though his partner Karen made me feel bilious with her tears and grins and the general fakefest that is her TV persona.

Mark was rubbish at the start, but he worked those cooking apple bot cheeks off to get to the final. And his Mum and sister (what a pair of unashamed lipliner abusers they are)certainly put the hours in too. Clearly they spent all week getting ready to go watch their Marky boy dance live every Saturday.

I had an ethical issue with Strictly this year – getting trained dancers to compete with beginners mixes up my head.I hope next year they play fairer when putting the line up together.

As and for Brucie Who? The show was pacier and more sweet tempered without him but hopefully Tess ( the zombie in a full length dress) Daly will soft shoe shuffle out of the line up for 2015. Now tried and tested, Zoe and Claudia are the dream team.

Whether we meet again under the glitterball next series, or before, please do have a fabulous Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year.

Anna May x

Strictly Nearly There

Last week Trixie got the sequinned boot after the dance off and her exit created a tidal wave of on-line huff from fans. “But she was the best dancer!” they cried. Er, yes she was – because since the tender age of 13 years old she’d had dance training.

Pixie and her singing wouldn’t be eligible for the X Factor and because Strictly is supposed to be about amateurs learning to dance she shouldn’t have had a place on that either. Ditto Denise Van Outen, Rachel Stevens and many other previously dance trained contestants down the years.

To this week: ta-ra Jake. In last night’s semi final he pulled one funny face too many and that magnificent two cooking apples bum didn’t get him out of trouble.

Somehow Frankie who is so limber and lithe manages to be uptight at the same time when she is dancing. For the final I prescribe a mugful of Lambrusco for Frankie fifteen minutes before she hits the dance floor.

Caroline has been busy coming up on the inside these past few weeks and, because I love her haircut and how Pasha manages to be doughy and dynamic at the same time, I am now rooting for them to win.

I have warmed to Mark over the weeks. He really does have a lovely pair of arms, but watching his partner Karen do her little-girl-lost act week in, week out, makes my eyeballs ache. After last night’s blub-a-thon I reckon they’ll have to do something pretty spectacular to keep The Glitterball in their sights.

Only one more week until I start blogging about me and mine again. Be afraid…..

Strictly All Over the Place

It was Strictly around the world last night and there were a couple of dances that felt like they lasted for 80 days. I’m looking at you Sunetra and Mark.

Pixie and Trent are just so woodland fairy. I’ve decided I can’t vote for them because I am sick of their smug smiles and straight teeth.

Mark and Karen’s Salsa would have been great fun if they were piddled – but mostly because Mark looked so very embarrassed it was a party that never quite got started. It did remind me to put pink tail feathers on my letter to Santa, though.

Sunetra’s Rumba proved that nice girls can’t sizzle.

Caroline’s Charleston was a Turkish delight. And why is it when I see Pasha’s chest I worry if he’s warm enough?

Simon and Kristina’s sweet waltz made me Eidelsmile.

Frankevin did a funky chicken inspired jive – and Kevin’s mushroom coloured legs went so fast he almost broke Frankie. Oh, and the Duchess of Cambridge called. She wants her hair back.

Boiled egg head Jake made a muck of his Greek Argentinian tango. And what did he have to say about it? Oooopah!!!! SO then it all made perfect sense.

Strictly Jiggling Jake

He might look like a corpse dipped in glitter but Jake Wood and his jelly hipped Samba might have nicked Strictly 2014 from under the cute button noses of Pixie and Frankie.

Karen over emoted very unconvincingly when she and Mark got all 8’s from the judges for their Tango. Their next dance should be to the shower scene soundtrack from Psycho.Lock up your bunnies, Mark, I reckon Karen’s already got the water on the boil……

Mary Berry and Anthony Costa from Blue were sat next to each other in the audience. Odd how it looked like it’s Anthony who eats cake for a living.

In snooze corner Steve did a leaden legged jive and Sunetra did an isn’titoveryet? waltz. The competition will really start after next Saturday – by then they’ll both be out.

Strictly Blackpool or Bust

Someone please stop the Strictly judges shaking, rattling and rolling at the top of the show every Saturday. It looks like they are having a collective seizure. And the way Craig moves is seriously undermining his credentials to critique anyone’s dancing. Maybe next year for Children In Need he could mark himself?

It was Blackpool or bust this week and all the coooples threw themselves about with gusto.

Last week Frankie cried when she didn’t get enough love from the judges, and it’s beginning to look like she’s lost the tussle with Pixie for the Glitterball. Plus, her dress on Saturday was vile – Vivienne Westwood meets an omelette.

Jeanette stole the show with that American Smooth. Those red knickers were on fire! I was wondering if she was using a Jake the Peg third leg to execute some of those lifts and kicks. It was thrilling.

Sunetra and Brendan danced a wake me up before you go, go Samba. She is sweet but now Judy’s gone Sunetra is outclassed by all the other women. She’ll be home in plenty of time for Christmas.

And Simon finally had THE moment. He was fab-U-lous in the Argentinan Tango with lock up your husbands Kristina at her sizzling best. Question for the wonderfulwonderful Dave Arch and his band – is it the law that the Argentinian Tango must be danced to ‘Roxanne’?

It was up, up and away for smiley Judy this week. A Blackpool donkey would have moved across the dance floor with more rhythm, but I loved her happy to be alive approach to Strictly. I so hope that she and Anton run away together, and have lots of shortbread babies that turn out to be tennis playing ballroom dancing champions.

I suspect Karen Hauer would swivel step on the head of anyone who got in her way of reaching the final this year. Mark is livening up and did a fun Charleston.

Pixie and Trent made even a Paso Doble look cute.They are so vanilla cupcake. If they got married they’d be Mr and Mrs Trixie, live on Disney Main Street and have children who would constantly sing “It’s a small world after all….”

Steve and Ola clearly loathe each other, which makes them hugely entertaining to watch.

Caroline jived for her life and Pasha kindly lent Shirley Bassey his bearskin to wear for the results show.

Tess is turning into Brucie in a blonde wig with her wild eyed stares at the autocue and mis-timed jokes. I vote for a Claudia/Zoe combo for Strictly 2015.

Strictly Slump

Zoe, Claudia and Tess – if there was a presenter-off instead of a dance-off I reckon the judges and the public would vote to eliminate Tess. She’s stiffer than Judy Murray and takes herself a LOT more seriously.

This week there was a dancing dip – a kind of post halloween/pre Blackpool sleepy hollow.

Two of the ‘cooples’ bucked the midway Strictly slump; Simon and Kristina with their shiny bright quickstep and Mark and Karen’s and their dreamy waltz.

Wardrobe made Caroline Flack dance her wobbly waltz in what looked like her grandad’s string vest – after it had shrunk in the wash.

I’ve gone off Jake because he is so dour; and his rumba didn’t have enough bumba to make up for his misery chops.

You can’t hurry a Murray. Judy has been playing statues to the music forweeks now but still she stays in….

After the first 20 seconds I watched Sunetra’s foxtrot on fast forward. I’m thinking she’s sweet, but has she peaked?

Alison thumped her way through a charleston. If there was a glitterball for having a laugh and fancying the tight pants off Alijaz then she’s be a dead cert to win it.

I can’t believe Frankie cried when the judges didn’t love her Samba. She needs tuition from Judy Murray in how to belly laugh and mean it when you’re getting slagged off on national TV.

Pixie played her ‘grandad for votes’ card but her foxtrot was so good she could have saved the old bloke up for the final.

According to the papers Ola is bullying Steve, and judging by their rictus grins to camera there might be some truth in the reports. I have suspected there was a touch of the diddums about Steve from Week 1. Just saying.