Strictly Scandal

“Fix” yelled Jamelia all week when the word she should have been shouting was ‘Miracle!’  How did Jamelia ever make it as far into the competition as she did with those leaden legs?

After Jameliagate Peter – and can I just say he loves his kids – was a marked man and off he jolly well went to…er, love his kids.

Kellie and Kevin Salsa-ed like they were on the run from CBeebies.  They clattered around the dance floor and Kevin did his standard  jumping bean impression all around a knackered looking Kellie. If it’s true she is only 40 – someone  get that woman a truckload of Oil of Olay.

Anton and Katy did shin wars in a dreary Argentine Tango.

Helen and Alijaz’s Viennese Waltz was spectacular , and Alijaz’s squeezy bum is on my Christmas list.

How did that funky and fabulous Tango not get full marks for Jay and Aliona ?

Anita and Gleb did a  Rumba that didn’t make me go all sensual, instead it reminded me that I need to take my net curtains down for a wash before Christmas.

GeeGee are gorgeous and their Paso was very pow wow.

The danceathon was dull, as were the judge’s lengthy calculations about the scores,  as were their (new this week) post dance off vote explanations.

And Tess Daly was just one veil short of a bride.









Strictly Seaside

Can I just say that Peter Andre starts every sentence with “Can I just say…” and that it makes my gills tighten with irritation. Being in the bottom two is going to make him creep for his Strictly life, which is going to be painful to watch.

Jamelia finally got voted out –  I ‘ve been bearing a grudge ever since she said size 16 clothes shouldn’t be available on the high street – so huzzah that she’s gone.

Blackpool  rocked:

Jay has got worse every week since his jive but did an OK Salsa and managed to pull a few faces to the music that  pleased Craig.

Jamelia quickstepped to the exit, and her ass looked like is was approaching the dreaded size 16 in that wrapping paper dress she was wearing.

Anita has never danced before so she is doing extraordinary things every Saturday night BUT she wastes a lot of energy toadying to Gleb. She needs to realise she is doing him a favour by being so brilliant. In another life in another series he might have been partnered with Ann Widdecombe. ps: I loved Anita’s Mum

Katie and Anton did a dreamy American Smooth and no emus were harmed in the making of her dress.

Peter pulled faces to the music and did a mysterious boy dance. Was it a Salsa? Was it a Charleston?  Was it a mess? No, no and yes.

I want GeeGee to fall in love and get married and to do that American Smooth as the first dance at their wedding. It was beeeeyooooootiful and after that she must be the contestant that the others fear most.

Helen George should concentrate less on being cute and more on dancing.

Kellie and Kevin  did a jolly quickstep ut should lose points because Kevin’s sister Joane is just so OTT and annoying.

Two dances apiece next week. I don’t know if I can take the pace….










Strictly Fireworks

Dancing that bouncy, flippy Charleston Peter Andre was finally as good as he thinks he’s been right from the start of the series.

Carol is  so  dreary and in their lift poor Pasha looked like a nurse hauling his elderly patient out of bed  to sit her on the commode.

Helen Rumbaed with Alijaz. I liked her hotpant suit and I LOVED his open shirt.

Jay was like the maypole that Aliona danced around during their Argentine Tango. And he needs to lose the pancake face.

Katy got clobbered. Again.

Gleb dry humped the dance floor and then jumped four feet in the air and placed his crown jewels on Anita’s chin during their jive. Discuss.

Kellie and Kevin’s waltz felt like it went on for 10 minutes. Schmaltzy, sickly and extremely so what?

Did Jamelia dance? I didn’t notice.

The life size plastic horse could have made a better job of that tango than Jeremy. His expression throughout was ‘I am busy having a poo’. And if he keeps it up he’ll make the final, the man is a hoot and a holler.

GeeGee deserved 10’s for that Samba – it was bella danca baby!








Strictly Horny

It was a scary week for me on Strictly because even as an uber fan I was much more interested in my cheese – manchego and somerset brie – and crackers than the mostly mediocre dancing.

Katie is getting clobbered week in week out by the judges and, although I am not Little Miss Wrinklenose’s biggest fan, I can’t see what she’s doing to deserve such low scores.

Does Kirsty G have a Mum? A best friend? A sister? Because iF she does they are not doing their job, so I’ll do it for them. KIRSTY QUIT THE MOANING AND GROANING AND WHINGING AND FACE PULLING AND ME ME ME  STUFF AND TRY  SMILING AND BEING GRACIOUS. IF YOU DON’T FEEL IT, FAKE IT.

Jeremy Vine’s Salsa was a hoot and a holler and I loved his dontgiveadamn white socks and too short bellbottoms combo.

Anita’s horns were tonight’s star attraction.

Jamelia dances like she’s bored. Me too when I am watching her.

Jay’s American Smooth was. Very.

Carol. Sedative. Play the word association game….

Diarrhoea green? Only the gorgeous Georgia Foote could have looked good in that outfit.

Peter Andre had done the same moves with the same facial expression for the past 5 weeks. This week he did the creepy crawly, and that was after he danced. Next week could one of the judges please reply “No” when Peter starts to simper “Can I just say how much I value/appreciate/respect ….”

Helen George rehearsed her Samba wearing a two willy headband.  And her hair reminded me to put Frizz-Ease on my shopping list.






Strictly’s Hotting Up

Gleb’s chebs came out during his Samba. Does he even know that he has a partner doing her best to keep up with him ? #GleblovesGleb

Daniel O’Donnell looked like a conductor on a bus – one that isn’t going anywhere near next week’s Strictly – as he danced an American Lumpy. This is the man I had tipped as a dead cert winner – and he’s turned out to be a loompa with no oompa.

It just ain’t happening for Kirsty.

GeeGee made me want to be young and hoppy all over again with a superfast Quickstep.

Jeremy Di-Vine jived like Austin Powers’s lanky brother. And every week the waist of his trousers is getting up closer to his collar bone.

Kevvie foxtrotted sweetly and neatly.

Jamelia CAN dance! Who knew?

Jayliona danced away from glory this week with a slip slidy quickstep.

Don’t know what Carol did, that woman is so drearynice week in week out I make my cup of tea when it’s her turn.

Ainsley and Natalie danced  an aaaaah! waltz. Uncle Fester is improving.

Helen and Alijaz salsa-ed to ‘Dr Beat’ – it was a reet treat from the moment at the start when Helen ripped his shirt open.

Peter Andre got tangoed to tango. And played the pretty young wife card. Yawwwnnnn.

Katie wheeled her daughters out, and it worked well  because she and Anton got great scores for their Viennese Waltz that. in my not at all expert opinion, was a bit Polka in places.

The Class of 2015 are starting to hot up.





Strictly Jaliona

Movie week  would have been great – if only some of the contestants had movied better…..

Carol’s quickstep wasn’t.

Anthony and Oti’s Paso Doble didn’t pack any punch. More Eye of the Tabby than Tiger.

I was wondering if Katie Derham was stuck stuck stuck to the middle of the floor in her Cha Cha Cha.

Kellie and Kevin’s Charleston was every bit as good as it should have been considering she is a trained dancer and teacher.

Ainsley’s penguin inspired Cha Cha Cha was a great fun disco dance. P,p,p. pity about that.

Georgia wiggled her waggle through a getaroom Rumba, which clearly annoyed Len and so  he gave us a flash of his manopause grumps.

Helen and Alijaz danced a FAB-U-LOUS  Foxtrot

DanielDanny and Kristina’s Cha Cha Cha? I watched it, appalled that I’d actually put a tenner on him to win. I think he’s special but I’m beginning to wonder in which way…..

Kirsty and Brendan danced a dog awful American Smooth to a toon from Lady and the Tramp.

Peter Andre Paso Dobled dressed as Jack Spaarow and then danced a stroppy camp flamenco – figure that out.

I reckon Jamelia and Tristan are having behind the scenes ding-dongs, and it shows in their dances.

Jeremy Vine’s spaghetti leg Charleston was a hoot and a holler.

Anita got a Moira Stuart haircut and then she and Gleb danced an American Horny.

Jayliona nicked the night with a mammoth cool jive. It should have had TENS.









Strictly Average

For 11 months I have been on the edge of my sofa waiting for Strictly to return and…….so far I can take it or leave it.

The celebs are proving to be a bland bunch  (other than Jeremy Vine  last week, he truly danced like no-one was watching) and as yet there hasn’t been a decent water cooler moment.

The class of 2015 don’t need us to love them because they truly adore themselves. Like when Kirsty Gallacher cried an indignant “What?” when she got  low scores for her mostly airborne  Cha Cha Cha.

Jamelia’s  Cha Cha Cha  was all very disca.

I loved that Daniel’s wife inserted herself between Kristina and her man throughout their training video. He delivered a nice catholic Charleston.

Kirsty needs to lighten up. She gives me heartburn when she dances. And  this week she should spend some time practicing a happy face whatever her score.

Thumbs up (and not out says Craig) to Jay and Aliona’s waltz.

Crucifying the Cha Cha were Iwan and Ola. Brute force meets ballroom.

All through Georgia and Giovanni’s waltz all I could think about was the subtext of the black pudding that featured in their VT.

And speaking of subtext we Salsa on to Ainsley’s tomatoes….

Carol Kirkwood is too sweet to compete

Kevin and Kelly  were spa-spa-spa sparky in their Cha Cha Cha

Boxer Anthony has a lovely fiancee and I predict he will be seeing a lot more of her on Saturday nights soon. He’s a trier but he’s not going to win on points

Anita and Gleb stormed the floor. She’s been taking her daily dose of jumping beans.

It’s no joke for Anton this year – he did a tango and actually danced with his partner Katie instead of dragging her around the floor.

Peter and Jeanette giddi-upped a lively quickstep.

Helen played the pet dog card early in the series – but I guess no-one noticed because Alijaz was in the background. She did a Char-Char-Char  that was a tad too posh. Tip for next week: Don’t channel Lady Mary when you ‘darnce’.





Strictly Good Start

Wooooohooo – Strictly is back, and so am I!

The show gives me bum ache –  I can’t miss a minute, I even lap up the brain dead video trails before each dance.

BUT – if Tess Daly doesn’t stop bawling “The audience loooved it!” to each contestant after their dance I might just have to get some sequinned earplugs to block her out.

Looking at the 2015 celebrity line up my first thought was where’s this year’s fatty boom boom?  And golden oldie?

I’ll quickstep through my first impressions:

Kelly and Kevin – herein known as Kevvie … I don’t watch Eastenders so I ain’t never clapped eyes on her. Their tango was ‘blah’.

Anthony and Otlile – He jived right out of his trousers so what’s not to like?

Helen and Alijaz – they are so gorgeous they could stand still and just stare into the camera and still I’d vote for them.

It’s unfortunate for Pasha that Carole Kirkwood looks like Rachel Riley’s Mum and also that the woman dances like she’s been deep frozen. Early bath for Pasha this year….

Daniel O’Donnell is a man who won’t be hurried. I’ve got a tenner on him to win the whole show so he needs to speed up and  get in the game. Has anyone told him it’s a competition?

Anita Rani is this year’s smilemaker, and you just gotta be glad for Gleb.

Wanted much more from Jay and Aliona – he danced a Cha Cha Cha like he was thinking Can’t Can’t Can’t.

Kirsty Gallacher is so lovely, why doesn’t she believe it?

Jeremy Vine certainly dances like no-one is watching…..O Joy!

I predict Georgia will become Mrs Giovannai Pernice in 2016, and I’m never writing that name again so I’m christening this pair GeeGee.

Uncle Fester can dance! Ainsley and Natalie’s romp certainly covered the entire floor.

Who knew Katie Derham was sooooo annoying? She is like a prim headmistress who’s been at the sherry bottle.

Iwan Thomas can stick his chest out. But not in time to the music.

Can’t remember Jamelia and Tristan’s dance. Yes, it was that average.

Peter Andre will cry if he doesn’t win.

Please VOTE for Daniel – make me rich!














Denim in the Dark

I heart my jeans. So much so that I think my Pappy’s, Pappy’s, Pappy’s Pappy may have been a cowboy.

We are celebrating 30 years of bum coverage together this year. M&S circa 1985. Then I found out my daughters don’t share the love.

“Embarrassing!” they said during their denim intervention, and they took me out to buy a new pair

The first shop had a power cut so I couldn’t find anything in there. Only it wasn’t a power cut my daughters told me, it’s just the way they sell clothes. In the dark?

The second shop was lit well enough for me to see I’d need buttocks like Maltesers and legs like pipe cleaners to get into their size XL. The  music was thumping – so loud it made my boobs hum –   and drowned out my cri de coeur when I saw the price tag……£225.

Finally, in shop number 33,  the girls found me a pair of jeans that they agreed were so modern mum. And I could get them over my hips. Result! But the jeans  wouldn’t go any higher And that, the girls chorused was a good thing. I was in a pair of low rise jeans, ‘And the 21st century’ one drawled.

Together we stared at the fly button holes – they had tufts of my knicker wrapped pubic hair sticking out of them.

I declared them a NOWAYNOTEVERAREYOUJOKING? and my daughters told me to get a Brazilian and buy them. In reverse order.

A shouting match ensued.  We made up over frothy coffee and cake in John Lewis. Denim never tasted so good.

Pressure Washers, Sparkly Capes and Labradors

Poor Magonna! Her backward dive at The Brits is precisely why I NEVER wear a sparkly hooded cape when I am dancing on the stairs. Er, make that hoovering the stairs. One good thing about her tumble is that she gave the world an opportunity to enjoy her ladygarden from a previously unseen angle. And who knew there was one of those?

Talking about what not to wear, waddabout the Oscars? Where did the sparkle go this year? I watch (slavishly) because I want to covet the outfits but none of them did it for me .

Biggest laugh of the night was the walking rose bush Gwyneth Paltrow. Her dress made her look like a two headed monster and could have come from the Dr Who props department. I thought her face looked somehow odd, too,  but maybe she was just coming down from the effects of steaming her vulva. Read all about that must-do part of her booty regime on her website ‘Goop’ (short for loopy-loo).

I can picture Gywnie perched on a porcelain teacup enjoying a delicate mist of eucalyptus and mint wafting around her pale and wrinkle free vayjayjay. If I was to give steaming my funparts a try I’d need a wheelie bin, Jeyes Fluid and a pressure washer.

I do love Eddie Redmayne  and I’m super-duper delighted he won the Oscar but now I want him to get, and stay, butch. The pedigree labrador that’s been to RADA schtick is about to become less charming in 10, 9, 8 seconds and counting…….