Strictly Nearly There

Last week Trixie got the sequinned boot after the dance off and her exit created a tidal wave of on-line huff from fans. “But she was the best dancer!” they cried. Er, yes she was – because since the tender age of 13 years old she’d had dance training.

Pixie and her singing wouldn’t be eligible for the X Factor and because Strictly is supposed to be about amateurs learning to dance she shouldn’t have had a place on that either. Ditto Denise Van Outen, Rachel Stevens and many other previously dance trained contestants down the years.

To this week: ta-ra Jake. In last night’s semi final he pulled one funny face too many and that magnificent two cooking apples bum didn’t get him out of trouble.

Somehow Frankie who is so limber and lithe manages to be uptight at the same time when she is dancing. For the final I prescribe a mugful of Lambrusco for Frankie fifteen minutes before she hits the dance floor.

Caroline has been busy coming up on the inside these past few weeks and, because I love her haircut and how Pasha manages to be doughy and dynamic at the same time, I am now rooting for them to win.

I have warmed to Mark over the weeks. He really does have a lovely pair of arms, but watching his partner Karen do her little-girl-lost act week in, week out, makes my eyeballs ache. After last night’s blub-a-thon I reckon they’ll have to do something pretty spectacular to keep The Glitterball in their sights.

Only one more week until I start blogging about me and mine again. Be afraid…..

Strictly All Over the Place

It was Strictly around the world last night and there were a couple of dances that felt like they lasted for 80 days. I’m looking at you Sunetra and Mark.

Pixie and Trent are just so woodland fairy. I’ve decided I can’t vote for them because I am sick of their smug smiles and straight teeth.

Mark and Karen’s Salsa would have been great fun if they were piddled – but mostly because Mark looked so very embarrassed it was a party that never quite got started. It did remind me to put pink tail feathers on my letter to Santa, though.

Sunetra’s Rumba proved that nice girls can’t sizzle.

Caroline’s Charleston was a Turkish delight. And why is it when I see Pasha’s chest I worry if he’s warm enough?

Simon and Kristina’s sweet waltz made me Eidelsmile.

Frankevin did a funky chicken inspired jive – and Kevin’s mushroom coloured legs went so fast he almost broke Frankie. Oh, and the Duchess of Cambridge called. She wants her hair back.

Boiled egg head Jake made a muck of his Greek Argentinian tango. And what did he have to say about it? Oooopah!!!! SO then it all made perfect sense.

Strictly Jiggling Jake

He might look like a corpse dipped in glitter but Jake Wood and his jelly hipped Samba might have nicked Strictly 2014 from under the cute button noses of Pixie and Frankie.

Karen over emoted very unconvincingly when she and Mark got all 8’s from the judges for their Tango. Their next dance should be to the shower scene soundtrack from Psycho.Lock up your bunnies, Mark, I reckon Karen’s already got the water on the boil……

Mary Berry and Anthony Costa from Blue were sat next to each other in the audience. Odd how it looked like it’s Anthony who eats cake for a living.

In snooze corner Steve did a leaden legged jive and Sunetra did an isn’titoveryet? waltz. The competition will really start after next Saturday – by then they’ll both be out.

Strictly Blackpool or Bust

Someone please stop the Strictly judges shaking, rattling and rolling at the top of the show every Saturday. It looks like they are having a collective seizure. And the way Craig moves is seriously undermining his credentials to critique anyone’s dancing. Maybe next year for Children In Need he could mark himself?

It was Blackpool or bust this week and all the coooples threw themselves about with gusto.

Last week Frankie cried when she didn’t get enough love from the judges, and it’s beginning to look like she’s lost the tussle with Pixie for the Glitterball. Plus, her dress on Saturday was vile – Vivienne Westwood meets an omelette.

Jeanette stole the show with that American Smooth. Those red knickers were on fire! I was wondering if she was using a Jake the Peg third leg to execute some of those lifts and kicks. It was thrilling.

Sunetra and Brendan danced a wake me up before you go, go Samba. She is sweet but now Judy’s gone Sunetra is outclassed by all the other women. She’ll be home in plenty of time for Christmas.

And Simon finally had THE moment. He was fab-U-lous in the Argentinan Tango with lock up your husbands Kristina at her sizzling best. Question for the wonderfulwonderful Dave Arch and his band – is it the law that the Argentinian Tango must be danced to ‘Roxanne’?

It was up, up and away for smiley Judy this week. A Blackpool donkey would have moved across the dance floor with more rhythm, but I loved her happy to be alive approach to Strictly. I so hope that she and Anton run away together, and have lots of shortbread babies that turn out to be tennis playing ballroom dancing champions.

I suspect Karen Hauer would swivel step on the head of anyone who got in her way of reaching the final this year. Mark is livening up and did a fun Charleston.

Pixie and Trent made even a Paso Doble look cute.They are so vanilla cupcake. If they got married they’d be Mr and Mrs Trixie, live on Disney Main Street and have children who would constantly sing “It’s a small world after all….”

Steve and Ola clearly loathe each other, which makes them hugely entertaining to watch.

Caroline jived for her life and Pasha kindly lent Shirley Bassey his bearskin to wear for the results show.

Tess is turning into Brucie in a blonde wig with her wild eyed stares at the autocue and mis-timed jokes. I vote for a Claudia/Zoe combo for Strictly 2015.

Strictly Slump

Zoe, Claudia and Tess – if there was a presenter-off instead of a dance-off I reckon the judges and the public would vote to eliminate Tess. She’s stiffer than Judy Murray and takes herself a LOT more seriously.

This week there was a dancing dip – a kind of post halloween/pre Blackpool sleepy hollow.

Two of the ‘cooples’ bucked the midway Strictly slump; Simon and Kristina with their shiny bright quickstep and Mark and Karen’s and their dreamy waltz.

Wardrobe made Caroline Flack dance her wobbly waltz in what looked like her grandad’s string vest – after it had shrunk in the wash.

I’ve gone off Jake because he is so dour; and his rumba didn’t have enough bumba to make up for his misery chops.

You can’t hurry a Murray. Judy has been playing statues to the music forweeks now but still she stays in….

After the first 20 seconds I watched Sunetra’s foxtrot on fast forward. I’m thinking she’s sweet, but has she peaked?

Alison thumped her way through a charleston. If there was a glitterball for having a laugh and fancying the tight pants off Alijaz then she’s be a dead cert to win it.

I can’t believe Frankie cried when the judges didn’t love her Samba. She needs tuition from Judy Murray in how to belly laugh and mean it when you’re getting slagged off on national TV.

Pixie played her ‘grandad for votes’ card but her foxtrot was so good she could have saved the old bloke up for the final.

According to the papers Ola is bullying Steve, and judging by their rictus grins to camera there might be some truth in the reports. I have suspected there was a touch of the diddums about Steve from Week 1. Just saying.

Strictly Speaking Frankie and Pixie are not Amateurs

It was a Saturday night when Pixie and Frankie turned pro and Judy Murray did a Charleston that might not have been ‘oarsome’ but it was great fun.

Read all about it by Viennese Waltzing this way :

http://www.express.co.uk/news/showbiz/527687/Strictly-Come-Dancing-Week-Five-reviewStrictly

Can’t-Win-Tim

Strictly gave good lips and gums this week.

Scott Mills has lips that would out pout Katie Price and Pixie and Trent should get a pale pink glitterball trophy for having the best gums of all the 2014 contestants.

Tango this way for my summary of last night’s show and I predict that Cant-Win-Tim is next out…

http://www.express.co.uk/news/showbiz/524726/Strictly-Come-Dancing-Caroline-Flack-Pasha-Kovalev

Strictly Goes T’Pictures

It was movie week on Strictly and there was a whole lot more corn than pop going on.

For my full round up please quickstep this way…….

http://www.express.co.uk/news/showbiz/521635/Strictly-Come-Dancing-Judy-Murray-finds-style-as-Frankie-soars-to-top-of-leaderboard

Spider Feet

Being too sexy for my slippers I wear pink patent Birkenstocks around the house in the summer months and a pair of Celtic sheepskin boots in winter.

Changeover day was yesterday because it was coooold.

So I reached into the back of my wardrobe and hauled out the boots and put them on. I was thinking about what a lovely long Summer it’s been and …and ……that I had forgotten just how tickly the sheepskin lining of the boots was compared to the open air peace and love vibe of my sandals.

Then a siren went off in my brain and I kicked the left boot off so hard and fast it flew into the air and landed on my bed and out crawled a dazed and confused mega spider. The booger was the size of my hand. Make that my jazz hand.

Screaming the house down I used my Kindle and a hairbrush to lift him up and launch him out of the window. That is how my Kindle became embedded in a geranium pot and my good Denman brush is somewhere on next door’s patio.

The boots are now upside down on the kitchen table under surveillance. I got Mr Anna May to do a fingertip search and take photographs of the insides with his mobile while I looked up on the internet whether spiders lay eggs in sheepskin and if anyone has actually ever died of fright.

My Strictly Blog Has Moved House

I am as excited as Greg Wallace at pudding time. The Daily Express are publishing my Strictly Blog. But please don’t desert me. Why not quickstep over here and have a read:

http://www.express.co.uk/news/showbiz/518851/Strictly-Come-Dancing-week-2