Strictly Jiggling Jake

He might look like a corpse dipped in glitter but Jake Wood and his jelly hipped Samba might have nicked Strictly 2014 from under the cute button noses of Pixie and Frankie.

Karen over emoted very unconvincingly when she and Mark got all 8’s from the judges for their Tango. Their next dance should be to the shower scene soundtrack from Psycho.Lock up your bunnies, Mark, I reckon Karen’s already got the water on the boil……

Mary Berry and Anthony Costa from Blue were sat next to each other in the audience. Odd how it looked like it’s Anthony who eats cake for a living.

In snooze corner Steve did a leaden legged jive and Sunetra did an isn’titoveryet? waltz. The competition will really start after next Saturday – by then they’ll both be out.

Strictly Blackpool or Bust

Someone please stop the Strictly judges shaking, rattling and rolling at the top of the show every Saturday. It looks like they are having a collective seizure. And the way Craig moves is seriously undermining his credentials to critique anyone’s dancing. Maybe next year for Children In Need he could mark himself?

It was Blackpool or bust this week and all the coooples threw themselves about with gusto.

Last week Frankie cried when she didn’t get enough love from the judges, and it’s beginning to look like she’s lost the tussle with Pixie for the Glitterball. Plus, her dress on Saturday was vile – Vivienne Westwood meets an omelette.

Jeanette stole the show with that American Smooth. Those red knickers were on fire! I was wondering if she was using a Jake the Peg third leg to execute some of those lifts and kicks. It was thrilling.

Sunetra and Brendan danced a wake me up before you go, go Samba. She is sweet but now Judy’s gone Sunetra is outclassed by all the other women. She’ll be home in plenty of time for Christmas.

And Simon finally had THE moment. He was fab-U-lous in the Argentinan Tango with lock up your husbands Kristina at her sizzling best. Question for the wonderfulwonderful Dave Arch and his band – is it the law that the Argentinian Tango must be danced to ‘Roxanne’?

It was up, up and away for smiley Judy this week. A Blackpool donkey would have moved across the dance floor with more rhythm, but I loved her happy to be alive approach to Strictly. I so hope that she and Anton run away together, and have lots of shortbread babies that turn out to be tennis playing ballroom dancing champions.

I suspect Karen Hauer would swivel step on the head of anyone who got in her way of reaching the final this year. Mark is livening up and did a fun Charleston.

Pixie and Trent made even a Paso Doble look cute.They are so vanilla cupcake. If they got married they’d be Mr and Mrs Trixie, live on Disney Main Street and have children who would constantly sing “It’s a small world after all….”

Steve and Ola clearly loathe each other, which makes them hugely entertaining to watch.

Caroline jived for her life and Pasha kindly lent Shirley Bassey his bearskin to wear for the results show.

Tess is turning into Brucie in a blonde wig with her wild eyed stares at the autocue and mis-timed jokes. I vote for a Claudia/Zoe combo for Strictly 2015.

Strictly Slump

Zoe, Claudia and Tess – if there was a presenter-off instead of a dance-off I reckon the judges and the public would vote to eliminate Tess. She’s stiffer than Judy Murray and takes herself a LOT more seriously.

This week there was a dancing dip – a kind of post halloween/pre Blackpool sleepy hollow.

Two of the ‘cooples’ bucked the midway Strictly slump; Simon and Kristina with their shiny bright quickstep and Mark and Karen’s and their dreamy waltz.

Wardrobe made Caroline Flack dance her wobbly waltz in what looked like her grandad’s string vest – after it had shrunk in the wash.

I’ve gone off Jake because he is so dour; and his rumba didn’t have enough bumba to make up for his misery chops.

You can’t hurry a Murray. Judy has been playing statues to the music forweeks now but still she stays in….

After the first 20 seconds I watched Sunetra’s foxtrot on fast forward. I’m thinking she’s sweet, but has she peaked?

Alison thumped her way through a charleston. If there was a glitterball for having a laugh and fancying the tight pants off Alijaz then she’s be a dead cert to win it.

I can’t believe Frankie cried when the judges didn’t love her Samba. She needs tuition from Judy Murray in how to belly laugh and mean it when you’re getting slagged off on national TV.

Pixie played her ‘grandad for votes’ card but her foxtrot was so good she could have saved the old bloke up for the final.

According to the papers Ola is bullying Steve, and judging by their rictus grins to camera there might be some truth in the reports. I have suspected there was a touch of the diddums about Steve from Week 1. Just saying.

Strictly Speaking Frankie and Pixie are not Amateurs

It was a Saturday night when Pixie and Frankie turned pro and Judy Murray did a Charleston that might not have been ‘oarsome’ but it was great fun.

Read all about it by Viennese Waltzing this way :


Strictly gave good lips and gums this week.

Scott Mills has lips that would out pout Katie Price and Pixie and Trent should get a pale pink glitterball trophy for having the best gums of all the 2014 contestants.

Tango this way for my summary of last night’s show and I predict that Cant-Win-Tim is next out…

Strictly Goes T’Pictures

It was movie week on Strictly and there was a whole lot more corn than pop going on.

For my full round up please quickstep this way…….

Spider Feet

Being too sexy for my slippers I wear pink patent Birkenstocks around the house in the summer months and a pair of Celtic sheepskin boots in winter.

Changeover day was yesterday because it was coooold.

So I reached into the back of my wardrobe and hauled out the boots and put them on. I was thinking about what a lovely long Summer it’s been and …and ……that I had forgotten just how tickly the sheepskin lining of the boots was compared to the open air peace and love vibe of my sandals.

Then a siren went off in my brain and I kicked the left boot off so hard and fast it flew into the air and landed on my bed and out crawled a dazed and confused mega spider. The booger was the size of my hand. Make that my jazz hand.

Screaming the house down I used my Kindle and a hairbrush to lift him up and launch him out of the window. That is how my Kindle became embedded in a geranium pot and my good Denman brush is somewhere on next door’s patio.

The boots are now upside down on the kitchen table under surveillance. I got Mr Anna May to do a fingertip search and take photographs of the insides with his mobile while I looked up on the internet whether spiders lay eggs in sheepskin and if anyone has actually ever died of fright.

My Strictly Blog Has Moved House

I am as excited as Greg Wallace at pudding time. The Daily Express are publishing my Strictly Blog. But please don’t desert me. Why not quickstep over here and have a read:


Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini has a new single, and her snatch, out. Look, see:

That first photo should be captioned, “Nurse pet, Ahm propa reddy for me smear,like !”

Strictly Happy – George Sad

It’s going to be a VINTAGE Strictly year. The first shows were so good that fora nanosecond I stopped grieving about this being the weekend when George Clooney marries divine international human rights lawyer, and wearer of big earrings, Amal Alamuddin.

Let’s romp through the dances in no particular order. No, stuff that, let start with the ones that made me laugh most:

Humpty Dumpty Greg clearly makes Aliona want to throw up. After just one week he is almost a dead cert for the 2014 Fiona Phillips Dance Like A Fridge Freezer Award. Maybe he should wear his glasses so he can see what his feet are doing? Just a thought…..

Be ready to be surprised – Judy Murray is SCOTTISH – a pair of haggis earrings for her would have made that crystal clear to viewers. Just in case the tartan, the bagpipes and the Mull of Kintyre hints didn’t help.

The dances that made me smile the most:

Alison Hammond for her joyousness, her rhythm, her bounce and her confidence and for not once, in what she said or did, apologising for being fat.

Jennifer Gibney who felt the fear and did it anyway with a huge grin on her face. Although she did dance like a woman with a live mouse stuck to her shoe.

As for the rest, Steve Backwhowhat? danced mostly with his face and someone break it to Ola that she dressed up a month early for Halloween.

According to the papers Thom Evans and Iveta are already doing a spot of horizontal dancing in their own time. Just imagine what big browed babies they would have.

Who knew Yorrick could dance? Alas I got it wrong last week and said Jake Wood was rubbish. I didn’t knew him well. Sorry..

Mark Wright was just Alwright and needs to learn to look ecstatic even if he gets scored four 1’s.

Scott Mills needs to stop looking like Chucky so I can concentrate on his dancing.

The wardrobe department obvs got a good price on a job lot of sparkly vests for the blokes. And whoever designed and fitted Jeanette’s sabotage dress wants to bed her partner Alijaz. It was GRUESOME.

And Darcey was looking positively Angela Ripponesque. Ditch the helmet hair dahhhlinhg, yah?

I LOATHE it when Claudia and Tess talk in unison. Male presenters would never do that.

And I’m starting to dislike the newly liberated from Bruce Tess, a lot, and it’s only Week One. The woman’s jiving on his telly grave. And I bet she says “I’m my favourite!” before she goes to sleep every night.

Hurry Up already next week.